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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
102
After
a
supper
of
fried
eggs
and
fried
bread
done
to
a
nicety,
turned
in
at
ten,
and
both
of
us
lay
warm
and
comfortable
in
bed,
smoking
cigarettes
and
listening
to
Hoffmann's
Barcarolle
on
the
gramophone.
We
put
the
lamp
out,
and
it
pleased
us
to
watch
the
glow
of
each
other's
cigarettes
in
the
dark....
Neither
of
us
spoke....
Went
to
sleep
at
midnight.
Awoke
at
sunrise
to
hear
an
Owl
still
hooting,
a
Lark
singing,
and
several
Jackdaws
clattering
on
our
tin
roof
with
their
claws
as
they
walked.
July
1.
In
London
Again
Returned
to
London
very
depressed.
Am
not
so
well
as
I
was
three
weeks
ago.
The
sight
of
one
eye
is
affected,
and
I
am
haunted
by
the
possibility
of
blindness.
Then
I
have
a
numb
feeling
on
one
side
of
my
face,
and
my
right
arm
is
less
mobile.
Left
darling
Mother
in
a
very
weak
state
in
bed,
with
neuritis
and
a
weak
heart.
She
cried
when
I
said
"Goodbye,"
and
asked
me
to
go
to
Church
as
often
as
I
could,
and
to
read
a
portion
of
Scripture
every
day.
I
promised.
Then
she
added,
"For
Dad's
sake;"
just
as
if
I
would
not
do
it
for
her.
Poor
dear,
she
suffers
a
deal
of
pain.
She
does
not
know
how
ill
I
am.
I
have
not
told
her.
July
3.
Back
at
work.
A
terrible
day.
Thoughts
of
suicide--a
pistol.
July
8.
I
get
thro'
each
day
with
the
utmost
difficulty.
I
have
to
wrestle
with
every
minute.
Each
hour
is
a
conquest.
The
three
quarters
of
an
hour
at
lunch
comes
as
a
Godsend.
I
look
forward
to
it
all
the
morning,
I
enter
into
it
with
joyful
relief
with
no
thought
of
the
dreadful
moment
impending
when
I
must
return
and
re-enter
my
room.
By
being
wise
like
this,
I
manage
to
husband
my
spirits
and
am
relatively
cheerful
for
one
hour
in
the
middle
of
each
difficult
day.
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