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150
Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
105
Mr.
Scalper
up
above
is
writing
too,
writing
with
the
careless
fluency
of
a
man
who
draws
his
pay
by
the
column.
He
is
delineating
with
skill
and
rapidity.
The
reporters'
room
is
gloomy
and
desolate.
Mr.
Scalper
is
a
man
of
sensitive
temperament
and
the
dreariness
of
his
surroundings
depresses
him.
He
opens
the
letter
of
a
correspondent,
examines
the
handwriting
narrowly,
casts
his
eye
around
the
room
for
inspiration,
and
proceeds
to
delineate:
"G.H.
You
have
an
unhappy,
despondent
nature;
your
circumstances
oppress
you,
and
your
life
is
filled
with
an
infinite
sadness.
You
feel
that
you
are
without
hope--"
Mr.
Scalper
pauses,
takes
another
look
around
the
room,
and
finally
lets
his
eye
rest
for
some
time
upon
a
tall
black
bottle
that
stands
on
the
shelf
of
an
open
cupboard.
Then
he
goes
on:
"--and
you
have
lost
all
belief
in
Christianity
and
a
future
world
and
human
virtue.
You
are
very
weak
against
temptation,
but
there
is
an
ugly
vein
of
determination
in
your
character,
when
you
make
up
your
mind
that
you
are
going
to
have
a
thing--"
Here
Mr.
Scalper
stops
abruptly,
pushes
back
his
chair,
and
dashes
across
the
room
to
the
cupboard.
He
takes
the
black
bottle
from
the
shelf,
applies
it
to
his
lips,
and
remains
for
some
time
motionless.
He
then
returns
to
finish
the
delineation
of
G.H.
with
the
hurried
words:
Marker
Marker
Fine marker
White-out
Fine white-out
Circle
Paint
Unmarker
Hand
Scalpel
Dice
Sieve
Purify
Undo
Redo
Start over
