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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
105
"You
needn't,"
I
said
shortly.
August
9.
Horribly
upset
with
news
from
home.
Mother
is
really
ill.
The
Doctor
fears
serious
nerve
trouble
and
says
she
will
always
be
an
invalid.
This
is
awful,
poor
dear!
It's
dreadful,
and
yet
I
have
a
tiny
wish
buried
at
the
bottom
of
my
heart
that
she
may
be
removed
early
from
us
rather
than
linger
in
pain
of
body
and
mind.
Especially
do
I
hope
she
may
not
live
to
hear
any
grievous
news
of
me....
What
irony
that
she
should
lose
the
use
of
her
right
arm
only
two
years
after
Dad's
death
from
paralysis.
It
is
cruel
for
it
reminds
her
of
Dad's
illness....
What,
too,
would
she
think
if
she
could
have
heard
M----'s
first
words
to
me
yesterday
on
one
of
my
periodical
visits
to
his
consulting
room,
"Well,
how's
the
paralysis?"
In
the
evening
went
over
to
see
her.
She
was
wearing
a
black
silk
gown
and
looked
handsome....
She
is
always
the
same
sombre,
fascinating,
lissom,
soft-voiced
She!
She
herself
never
changes....
What
am
I
to
do?
I
cannot
give
her
up
and
yet
I
do
not
altogether
wish
to
take
her
to
my
heart.
It
distresses
me
to
know
how
to
proceed.
I
am
a
wily
fish.
August
10.
Sat
in
the
gardens
with
her.
We
sat
facing
the
sun
for
a
while
until
she
was
afraid
of
developing
freckles
and
turned
around,
deliberately
turning
her
back
on
good
King
Sol....
I
said
it
was
disrespectful.
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