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150
Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
106
"On
the
whole
I
recommend
you
to
persevere;
you
are
doing
very
well."
Mr.
Scalper's
next
proceeding
is
peculiar.
He
takes
from
the
cupboard
a
roll
of
twine,
about
fifty
feet
in
length,
and
attaches
one
end
of
it
to
the
neck
of
the
bottle.
Going
then
to
one
of
the
windows,
he
opens
it,
leans
out,
and
whistles
softly.
The
alert
ear
of
Policeman
Hogan
on
the
pavement
below
catches
the
sound,
and
he
returns
it.
The
bottle
is
lowered
to
the
end
of
the
string,
the
guardian
of
the
peace
applies
it
to
his
gullet,
and
for
some
time
the
policeman
and
the
man
of
letters
remain
attached
by
a
cord
of
sympathy.
Gentlemen
who
lead
the
variegated
life
of
Mr.
Scalper
find
it
well
to
propitiate
the
arm
of
the
law,
and
attachments
of
this
sort
are
not
uncommon.
Mr.
Scalper
hauls
up
the
bottle,
closes
the
window,
and
returns
to
his
task;
the
policeman
resumes
his
walk
with
a
glow
of
internal
satisfaction.
A
glance
at
the
City
Hall
clock
causes
him
to
enter
another
note
in
his
book.
"Half-past
two.
All
is
better.
The
weather
is
milder
with
a
feeling
of
young
summer
in
the
air.
Two
lights
in
Mr.
Scalper's
room.
Nothing
has
occurred
which
need
be
brought
to
the
notice
of
the
roundsman."
Things
are
going
better
upstairs
too.
The
delineator
opens
a
second
envelope,
surveys
the
writing
of
the
correspondent
with
a
critical
yet
charitable
eye,
and
writes
with
more
complacency.
"William
H.
Your
writing
shows
a
disposition
which,
though
naturally
melancholy,
is
capable
of
a
temporary
cheerfulness.
You
have
known
misfortune
but
have
made
up
your
mind
to
look
on
the
bright
side
of
things.
If
you
will
allow
me
to
say
so,
you
indulge
in
liquor
but
are
quite
moderate
in
your
use
of
it.
Be
assured
that
no
harm
ever
comes
of
this
moderate
use.
It
enlivens
the
intellect,
brightens
the
faculties,
and
stimulates
the
dormant
fancy
into
a
pleasurable
activity.
It
is
only
when
carried
to
excess--"
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