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150
Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
109
The
lowering
of
the
bottle
interrupts
Policeman
Hogan.
The
long
letter
to
Aunt
Dorothea
has
cooled
the
ardour
of
Mr.
Scalper.
The
generous
blush
has
passed
from
his
mind
and
he
has
been
trying
in
vain
to
restore
it.
To
afford
Hogan
a
similar
opportunity,
he
decides
not
to
haul
the
bottle
up
immediately,
but
to
leave
it
in
his
custody
while
he
delineates
a
character.
The
writing
of
this
correspondent
would
seem
to
the
inexperienced
eye
to
be
that
of
a
timid
little
maiden
in
her
teens.
Mr.
Scalper
is
not
to
be
deceived
by
appearances.
He
shakes
his
head
mournfully
at
the
letter
and
writes:
"Little
Emily.
You
have
known
great
happiness,
but
it
has
passed.
Despondency
has
driven
you
to
seek
forgetfulness
in
drink.
Your
writing
shows
the
worst
phase
of
the
liquor
habit.
I
apprehend
that
you
will
shortly
have
delirium
tremens.
Poor
little
Emily!
Do
not
try
to
break
off;
it
is
too
late."
Mr.
Scalper
is
visibly
affected
by
his
correspondent's
unhappy
condition.
His
eye
becomes
moist,
and
he
decides
to
haul
up
the
bottle
while
there
is
still
time
to
save
Policeman
Hogan
from
acquiring
a
taste
for
liquor.
He
is
surprised
and
alarmed
to
find
the
attempt
to
haul
it
up
ineffectual.
The
minion
of
the
law
has
fallen
into
a
leaden
slumber,
and
the
bottle
remains
tight
in
his
grasp.
The
baffled
delineator
lets
fall
the
string
and
returns
to
finish
his
task.
Only
a
few
lines
are
now
required
to
fill
the
column,
but
Mr.
Scalper
finds
on
examining
the
correspondence
that
he
has
exhausted
the
subjects.
This,
however,
is
quite
a
common
occurrence
and
occasions
no
dilemma
in
the
mind
of
the
talented
gentleman.
It
is
his
custom
in
such
cases
to
fill
up
the
space
with
an
imaginary
character
or
two,
the
analysis
of
which
is
a
task
most
congenial
to
his
mind.
He
bows
his
head
in
thought
for
a
few
moments,
and
then
writes
as
follows:
Marker
Marker
Fine marker
White-out
Fine white-out
Circle
Paint
Unmarker
Hand
Scalpel
Dice
Sieve
Purify
Undo
Redo
Start over
