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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
11
"Thank
you
for
the
suggestion,"
replied
the
Idiot,
transferring
four
large,
porous
buckwheat-cakes
to
his
plate.
"Thank
you
very
much,
but
I
have
a
pleasanter
and
more
lingering
method
of
suicide
right
here.
Death
by
buckwheat-cakes
is
like
being
pierced
by
a
Toledo
blade.
You
do
not
realize
the
terrors
of
your
situation
until
you
cease
to
be
susceptible
to
them.
Furthermore,
I
do
not
believe
in
suicide.
It
is,
in
my
judgment,
the
worst
crime
a
man
can
commit,
and
I
cannot
but
admire
the
remarkable
discernment
evinced
by
the
Fates
in
making
of
it
its
own
inevitable
capital
punishment.
A
man
may
commit
murder
and
escape
death,
but
in
the
commission
of
suicide
he
is
sure
of
execution.
Just
as
Virtue
is
its
own
reward,
so
is
Suicide
its
own
amercement."
"Been
reading
the
dictionary
again?"
asked
the
Poet.
"No,
not
exactly,"
said
the
Idiot,
with
a
smile,
"but--it's
a
kind
of
joke
on
me,
I
suppose--I
have
just
been
stuck,
to
use
a
polite
term,
on
a
book
called
Roget's
Thesaurus,
and,
if
I
want
to
get
hold
of
a
new
word
that
will
increase
my
seeming
importance
to
the
community,
I
turn
to
it.
That's
where
I
got
'amercement.'
I
don't
hold
that
its
use
in
this
especial
case
is
beyond
cavil--that's
another
Thesaurian
term--but
I
don't
suppose
any
one
here
would
notice
that
fact.
It
goes
here,
and
I
shall
not
use
it
elsewhere."
"I
am
interested
to
know
how
you
ever
came
to
be
the
owner
of
a
Thesaurus,"
said
the
School-master,
with
a
grim
smile
at
the
idea
of
the
Idiot
having
such
a
book
in
his
possession.
"Except
on
the
score
of
affinities.
You
are
both
very
wordy."
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