Lab
Library
Journal
Shop
Sign in
to keep
Share image
1
349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
116
"Rather
decorative,"----
remarked
in
an
audible
voice,
turning
her
head
on
one
side
and
quizzing.
I
can
well
believe
it
was.
She
looked
wholly
admirable.
November
21.
My
Nightmare
Can't
get
rid
of
my
cough.
I
have
so
many
things
to
do--I
am
living
in
a
fever
of
haste
to
get
them
done.
Yet
this
cough
hinders
me.
There
is
always
something
which
drags
me
back
from
the
achievement
of
my
desires.
It's
like
a
nightmare;
I
see
myself
struggling
violently
to
escape
from
a
monster
which
draws
continuously
nearer,
until
his
shadow
falls
across
my
path,
when
I
begin
to
run
and
find
my
legs
tied,
etc.
The
only
difference
is
that
mine
is
a
nightmare
from
which
I
never
wake
up.
The
haven
of
successful
accomplishment
remains
as
far
off
as
ever.
Oh!
make
haste.
November
29.
The
English
Review
has
returned
my
Essay!--This
is
a
keen
disappointment
to
me.
"I
wish
I
could
use
this,
but
I
am
really
too
full,"
the
Editor
writes.
To
be
faintly
encouraged
and
delicately
rejected--why
I
prefer
the
printed
form.
December
1.
More
Irony
Renewed
my
cold--I
do
nothing
all
day
but
blow
my
nose,
cough,
and
curse
Austin
Harrison.
M----
thinks
the
lungs
are
all
right.
"There
is
nothing
there,
I
think,"
said
he,
this
morning.
Alleluia!
I've
had
visions
of
consumption
for
weeks
past
and
M----
himself
has
been
expecting
it.
I
always
just
escape:
I
always
almost
get
something,
do
something,
go
somewhere,
I
have
dabbled
in
a
variety
of
diseases,
but
never
got
one
downright[2]--but
only
enough
to
make
me
feel
horribly
unfit
and
very
miserable
without
the
consolation
of
being
able
to
regard
myself
as
the
heroic
victim
of
some
incurable
disorder.
Instead
of
being
Stevenson
with
tuberculosis,
I've
only
been
Jones
with
dyspepsia.
So,
too,
in
other
directions,
big
events
have
always
just
missed
me:
by
Herculean
efforts
I
succeeded
in
giving
up
newspaper
journalism
and
breaking
thro'
that
steel
environment--but
only
to
become
an
Entomologist!
I
once
achieved
success
in
an
Essay
in
the
Academy,
which
attracted
attention--a
debut,
however,
that
never
developed.
I
had
not
quite
arrived.
It
is
always
not
quite.
Marker
Marker
Fine marker
White-out
Fine white-out
Circle
Paint
Unmarker
Hand
Scalpel
Dice
Sieve
Purify
Undo
Redo
Start over
