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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
127
April
15.
H----'s
wedding.
Five
minutes
before
time,
I
am
told
I
made
a
dramatic
entry
into
the
church
clad
in
an
audaciously
light
pair
of
Cashmere
trousers,
lemon-coloured
gloves,
with
top
hat
and
cane.
The
latter
upset
the
respectability
frightfully--it
is
not
comme
il
faut.
April
16.
...
If
I
am
to
admit
the
facts
they
are
that
I
eagerly
anticipate
love,
look
everywhere
for
it,
long
for
it,
am
unhappy
without
it.
She
fascinates
me--admitted.
I
could,
if
I
would,
surrender
myself.
Her
affection
makes
me
long
to
do
it.
I
am
sick
of
living
by
myself.
I
am
frightened
of
myself.
My
life
is
miserable
alone,
and
sometimes
desperately
miserable
when
I
long
for
a
little
sympathy
to
be
close
at
hand.
I
have
often
tried
to
persuade
R----
to
share
a
flat
with
me,
because
I
don't
really
wish
to
marry.
I
struggle
against
the
idea,
I
am
egotist
enough
to
wish
to
shirk
the
responsibilities.
But
then
I
am
a
ridiculously
romantic
creature
with
a
wonderful
ideal
of
a
woman
I
shall
never
meet
or
if
I
do
she
won't
want
me--"that
(wholly)
impossible
She."
R----
in
a
flat
with
me
would
partly
solve
my
difficulties.
I
don't
love
her
enough
for
marriage.
Mine
must
be
a
grand
passion,
a
bouleversement--for
I
am
capable
of
it.
April
17.
A
Humble
Confession
The
Hon.
----,
son
and
heir
of
Lord
----,
to-day
invited
me
to
lunch
with
him
in
----
Square.
He's
a
handsome
youth
of
twenty-five,
with
fair
hair
and
blue
eyes....
and
O!
such
an
aristocrat.
Good
Lord.
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