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235
The Private Papers of Henry Ryecroft
·
George Gissing
135
Of
course
my
good
housekeeper
has
tended
me
perfectly,
with
the
minimum
of
needless
talk.
Wonderful
woman!
If
the
evidence
of
a
well-spent
life
is
necessarily
seen
in
"honour,
love,
obedience,
troops
of
friends,"
mine,
it
is
clear,
has
fallen
short
of
a
moderate
ideal.
Friends
I
have
had,
and
have;
but
very
few.
Honour
and
obedience--why,
by
a
stretch,
Mrs.
M---
may
perchance
represent
these
blessings.
As
for
love--?
Let
me
tell
myself
the
truth.
Do
I
really
believe
that
at
any
time
of
my
life
I
have
been
the
kind
of
man
who
merits
affection?
I
think
not.
I
have
always
been
much
too
self-absorbed;
too
critical
of
all
about
me;
too
unreasonably
proud.
Such
men
as
I
live
and
die
alone,
however
much
in
appearance
accompanied.
I
do
not
repine
at
it;
nay,
lying
day
after
day
in
solitude
and
silence,
I
have
felt
glad
that
it
was
so.
At
least
I
give
no
one
trouble,
and
that
is
much.
Most
solemnly
do
I
hope
that
in
the
latter
days
no
long
illness
awaits
me.
May
I
pass
quickly
from
this
life
of
quiet
enjoyment
to
the
final
peace.
So
shall
no
one
think
of
me
with
pained
sympathy
or
with
weariness.
One--two--even
three
may
possibly
feel
regret,
come
the
end
how
it
may,
but
I
do
not
flatter
myself
that
to
them
I
am
more
than
an
object
of
kindly
thought
at
long
intervals.
It
is
enough;
it
signifies
that
I
have
not
erred
wholly.
And
when
I
think
that
my
daily
life
testifies
to
an
act
of
kindness
such
as
I
could
never
have
dreamt
of
meriting
from
the
man
who
performed
it,
may
I
not
be
much
more
than
content?
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