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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
150
In
short,
I
lead
an
unfathomably
miserable
existence
in
this
dark,
gray
street,
in
these
drab,
dirty
rooms--miserable
in
its
emptiness
of
home,
love,
human
society.
Now
that
I
never
visit
the
flat,
I
visit
about
two
houses
in
London--the
Doctor's
and
R----'s
Hotel.
I
walk
along
the
streets
and
stare
in
the
windows
of
private
houses,
hungry
for
a
little
society.
It
creates
in
me
a
gnawing,
rancorous
discontent
to
be
seeing
people
everywhere
in
London--millions
of
them--and
then
to
realise
my
own
ridiculously
circumscribed
knowledge
of
them.
I
am
passionately
eager
to
have
acquaintances,
to
possess
at
least
a
few
friends.
If
I
die
to-morrow,
how
many
persons
shall
I
have
talked
to?
or
how
many
men
and
women
shall
I
have
known?
A
few
maiden
aunts
and
one
or
two
old
fossils.
I
am
burning
to
meet
real
live
men,
I
have
masses
of
mental
stuff
I
am
anxious
to
unload.
But
I
am
ignorant
of
people
as
of
countries
and
live
in
celestial
isolation.
This,
I
fear,
reads
like
a
wail
of
self-commiseration.
But
I
am
trying
to
give
myself
the
pleasure
of
describing
myself
at
this
period
truthfully,
to
make
a
bid
at
least
for
some
posthumous
sympathy.
Therefore
it
shall
be
told
that
I
who
am
capable
of
passionate
love
am
sexually
starved,
and
endure
the
pangs
of
a
fiendish
solitude
in
rooms,
with
an
ugly
landlady's
face
when
...
I
despair
of
ever
finding
a
woman
to
love.
I
never
meet
women
of
my
own
class,
and
am
unprepossessing
in
appearance
and
yet
I
fancy
that
once
my
reserve
is
melted
I
am
not
without
attractions.
"He
grows
on
you,"
a
girl
said
of
me
once.
But
I
am
hypercritical
and
hyperfastidious.
I
want
too
much....
I
search
daily
in
the
streets
with
a
starved
and
hungry
look.
What
a
horrible
and
powerful
and
hateful
thing
this
love
instinct
is!
I
hate
it,
hate
it,
hate
it.
It
will
not
let
me
rest.
I
wish
I
were
a
eunuch.
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