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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
155
As
for
myself,
some
mirrors
do
me
down
pretty
well,
others
depress
me!
I
am
bound
to
confess
I
am
biassed
in
favour
of
the
friendly
mirror.
I
am
not
handsome,
but
I
look
interesting--I
hope
distinguished.
My
eyes
are
deep-set
...
but
my
worst
moments
are
when
the
barber
combs
my
hair
right
down
over
my
forehead,
or
when
I
see
a
really
handsome
man
in
Hyde
Park.
Such
occasions
direct
my
gaze
reflexly,
and
doubt
like
a
thief
in
the
night
forces
the
back
door!
To-day,
M----
sent
me
dancing
mad
by
suggesting
that
I
copied
R----
in
my
manner
of
speech
and
opinions.
Now
R----
has
a
damned
pervasive
way
of
conducting
himself--for
all
the
world
as
if
he
were
a
high
official
of
the
Foreign
Office.
I,
on
the
contrary,
am
shy,
self-conscious,
easily
overlooked,
and
this
makes
me
writhe.
As
we
are
inseparable
friends--everybody
assumes
that
I
am
his
tacky-lacky,
a
kind
of
appoggiatura
to
his
big
note.
He,
they
suppose,
is
my
guide,
philosopher,
and
Great
Maecenas--Oxford
befriending
the
proletariat.
The
thought
of
it
makes
me
sick--that
any
one
should
believe
I
imbibe
his
ideas,
echo
his
conceits,
and
even
ape
his
gestures
and
manner
of
voice.
"Lost
yourself?"
inquired
a
despicable
creature
the
other
morning
as
I
came
out
of
R----'s
room
after
finding
him
out.
I
could
have
shot
him
dead!
...
As
for
----
more
than
one
person
thinks
that
he
alone
is
the
brilliant
author
until
at
last
he
himself
has
got
into
the
way
of
thinking
it.
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