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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
168
I
don't
think
I
have
any
moral
right
to
propose
to
any
woman
seeing
the
state
of
my
health
and
I
did
not
actually
intend
or
wish
to....
It
was
just
to
get
it
off
my
mind--a
plain
statement....
If
I
don't
really
and
truly
love
her
it
was
a
perfectly
heartless
comedy.
But
I
have
good
reason
to
believe
I
do.
With
me,
moments
of
headstrong
passion
alternate
with
moods
of
perfectly
immobile
self-introspection.
It
is
a
relief
to
have
spoken.
November
10.
Very
miserable.
Asked
R----
three
times
to
come
and
have
dinner
with
me.
Each
time
he
refused.
My
nerves
are
completely
jangled.
Tu
l'as
voulu,
George
Dandin--that's
the
rub.
November
11.
She
observed
me
carefully--I'm
looking
a
perfect
wreck
--tu
l'as
voulu,
George
Dandin--but
it's
mainly
ill-health
and
not
on
her
account.
I
said,--
"Some
things
are
too
funny
to
laugh
at."
"Is
that
why
you
are
so
solemn?"
"No,"
I
answered,
"I'm
not
solemn,
I
am
laughing--some
things
are
too
solemn
to
be
serious
about."
She
saw
me
off
at
the
door
and
smiled
quietly--an
amused
faraway
smile
of
feline
satisfaction....
November
12.
Horrible
nervous
depression.
Thinking
of
suicide
with
a
pistol--a
Browning.
Or
of
10
days'
mysterious
disappearance,
when
I
will
go
and
live
in
a
good
Hotel,
spend
all
my
money,
and
live
among
human
beings
with
eyes
and
noses
and
legs.
This
isolation.
Am
I
going
mad?
If
I
disappeared,
it
would
be
interesting
to
see
if
any
one
missed
me.
November
13.
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