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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
177
December
7.
Have
so
many
projects
in
view
and
so
little
time
in
which
to
get
them
done!
Moreover
I
am
always
haunted
by
the
fear
that
I
may
never
finish
them
thro'
physical
or
temperamental
disabilities--a
breakdown
in
health
or
in
purpose.
I
am
one
of
those
who
are
apt
to
die
unexpectedly
and
no
one
would
be
surprised.
An
inquest
would
probably
be
unnecessary.
I
badly
want
to
live
say
another
twelve
months.
Hey!
nonny-no!
a
man's
a
fool
that
wants
to
die.
December
9.
...
I
shook
her
angrily
by
the
shoulders
to-night
and
said,
"Why
do
I
love
you?--Tell
me,"
but
she
only
smiled
gently
and
said,
"I
cannot
tell...."
I
ought
not
to
love
her,
I
know--every
omen
is
against
it....
Then
I
am
full
of
self-love:
an
intellectual
Malvolio
proud
of
his
brains
and
air
of
distinction....
Then
I
am
fickle,
passionate,
polygamous
...
I
am
haunted
by
the
memory
of
how
I
have
sloughed
off
one
enthusiasm
after
another.
I
used
to
dissect
snails
in
a
pie-dish
in
the
kitchen
while
Mother
baked
the
cakes--the
unravelling
of
the
internal
economy
of
a
Helix
caused
as
great
an
emotional
storm
as
to-day
the
Unfinished
Symphony
does!
I
look
for
the
first
parasol
in
Kensington
Gardens
with
the
same
interest
as
once
I
sought
out
the
first
snowdrop
or
listened
for
the
first
Cuckoo.
I
am
as
anxious
to
identify
an
instrument
in
Sir
Henry's
Orchestra
as
once
to
identify
the
song
of
a
new
bird
in
the
woods.
Nothing
is
further
from
my
intention
or
desire
to
continue
my
old
habit
of
nature
study.
I
never
read
nature
books--my
old
favourites--Waterton's
Wanderings,
Gilbert
White,
The
Zoologist,
etc.--have
no
interest
for
me--in
fact
they
give
me
slight
mental
nausea
even
to
glance
at.
Wiedersheim
(good
old
Wiedersheim)
is
now
deposed
by
a
text
book
on
Harmony.
My
main
desire
just
now
is
to
hear
the
best
music.
In
the
country
I
wore
blinkers
and
saw
only
zoology.
Now
in
London,
I've
taken
the
bit
in
my
mouth--and
it's
a
mouth
of
iron--wanting
a
run
for
all
my
troubles
before
Death
strikes
me
down.
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