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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
187
No
one
more
than
he
enjoys
my
ragging
him
like
this--and
I
do
it
rather
well.
[1]
"I
could
eat
all
the
elephants
of
Hindustan
and
pick
my
teeth
with
the
Spire
of
Strassburg
Cathedral."
[2]
See
January
2nd,
1915.
1915
January
1.
I
have
grown
so
ridiculously
hypercritical
and
fastidious
that
I
will
refuse
a
man's
invitation
to
dinner
because
he
has
watery
blue
eyes,
or
hate
him
for
a
mannerism
or
an
impediment
or
affectation
in
his
speech.
Some
poor
devil
who
has
not
heard
of
Turner
or
Debussy
or
Dostoieffsky
I
gird
at
with
the
arrogance
of
a
knowledgeable
youth
of
17.
Some
oddity
who
should
afford
a
sane
mind
endless
amusement,
I
write
off
as
a
Insus
naturæ
and
dismiss
with
a
flourish
of
contempt.
My
intellectual
arrogance--excepting
at
such
times
as
I
become
conscious
of
it
and
pull
myself
up--is
incredible.
It
is
incredible
because
I
have
no
personal
courage
and
all
this
pride
boils
up
behind
a
timid
exterior.
I
quail
often
before
stupid
but
over-bearing
persons
who
consequently
never
realise
my
contempt
of
them.
Then
afterwards,
I
writhe
to
think
I
never
stood
up
to
this
fool;
never
uttered
an
appropriate
word
to
interfere
with
another's
nauseating
self-love.
It
exasperates
me
to
be
unable
to
give
a
Roland
for
an
Oliver--even
servants
and
underlings
"tick
me
off"--to
fail
always
in
sufficient
presence
of
mind
to
make
the
satisfying
rejoinder
or
riposte.
I
suffer
from
such
a
savage
amour
propre
that
I
fear
to
enter
the
lists
with
a
man
I
dislike
on
account
of
the
mental
anguish
I
should
suffer
if
he
worsted
me.
I
am
therefore
bottled
up
tight--both
my
hates
and
loves.
For
a
coward
is
not
only
afraid
to
tell
a
man
he
hates
him,
but
is
nervous
too
of
letting
go
of
his
feeling
of
affection
or
regard
lest
it
be
rejected
or
not
returned.
I
shudder
to
think
of
such
remarks
as
(referring
to
me),
"He's
one
of
my
admirers,
you
know"
(sardonically),
or,
"I
simply
can't
get
rid
of
him."
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