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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
189
On
the
whole,
then,
I
lead
a
pretty
disgraceful
inner
life--excepting
when
I
pull
myself
together
and
smile
benignly
on
all
things
with
a
philosophical
smugness,
such
as
is
by
no
means
my
mood
at
this
present
moment.
I
am
so
envious
that
a
reprint
of
one
of
Romney's
Ramus
girls
sends
me
into
a
dry
tearless
anger--for
the
moment
till
I
turn
over
the
next
page....
Inwardly
I
was
exacerbated
this
morning
when
R----
recited,
"Come
and
have
a
tiddle
at
the
old
Brown
Bear,"
and
explained
how
a
charming
"young
person"
sang
this
at
breakfast
the
other
morning.
It
was
simply
too
charming
for
him
to
hear.
To-night
as
I
brushed
my
hair,
I
decided
I
was
quite
good-looking,
and
I
believe
I
mused
that
E----
was
really
a
lucky
girl....
All
that
is
the
matter
with
me
is
a
colossal
conceit
and
a
colossal
discontent,
qualities
exaggerated
where
a
man
finds
himself
in
an
environment
which
....
You
observant
people
will
notice
that
this
explanation
is
something
of
a
self-defence
whereby
the
virtue
goes
out
of
my
confession.
I
plead
guilty,
but
great
and
unprecedented
provocation
as
well.
Intense
pride
of
individuality
forbids
that
I
should
ever
be
other
than,
shall
I
say,
amiably
disposed
towards
myself
au
fond,
however
displeased
I
may
be
with
my
environment.
It
is
indeed
impossible
without
sending
him
to
a
lunatic
asylum
ever
to
knock
a
man
off
the
balance
of
his
self-esteem....
A
man's
loyalty
to
himself
is
the
most
pig-headed
thing
imaginable.
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