Lab
Library
Journal
Shop
Sign in
to keep
1
96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
2
THE
INVENTIONS
OF
THE
IDIOT
I
The
Culinary
Guild
It
was
before
the
Idiot's
marriage,
and
in
the
days
when
he
was
nothing
more
than
a
plain
boarder
in
Mrs.
Smithers-Pedagog's
High-class
Home
for
Single
Gentlemen,
that
he
put
what
the
School-master
termed
his
"alleged
mind"
on
plans
for
the
amelioration
of
the
condition
of
the
civilized.
"The
trials
of
the
barbarian
are
really
nothing
as
compared
with
the
tribulations
of
civilized
man,"
he
said,
as
the
waitress
passed
him
a
piece
of
steak
that
had
been
burned
to
a
crisp.
"In
the
Cannibal
Islands
a
cook
who
would
send
a
piece
of
broiled
missionary
to
her
employer's
table
in
this
condition
would
herself
be
roasted
before
another
day
had
dawned.
We,
however,
must
grin
and
bear
it,
because
our
esteemed
landlady
cannot
find
anywhere
in
this
town
a
woman
better
suited
for
the
labors
of
the
kitchen
than
the
blank
she
has
had
the
misfortune
to
draw
in
the
culinary
lottery,
familiarly
known
to
us,
her
victims,
as
Bridget."
"This
is
an
exceptional
case,"
said
Mr.
Pedagog.
"We
haven't
had
a
steak
like
this
before
in
several
weeks."
"True,"
returned
the
Idiot.
"This
is
a
sirloin,
I
believe.
The
last
steak
we
had
was
a
rump
steak,
and
it
was
not
burned
to
a
crisp,
I
admit.
It
was
only
boiled,
if
I
remember
rightly,
by
mistake;
Bridget
having
lost
her
fifth
consecutive
cousin
in
ten
days
the
night
before,
and
being
in
consequence
so
prostrated
that
she
could
not
tell
a
gridiron
from
a
lawn-mower."
Marker
Marker
Fine marker
White-out
Fine white-out
Circle
Paint
Unmarker
Hand
Scalpel
Dice
Sieve
Purify
Undo
Redo
Start over
