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Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
20
You
know,
many
a
man
realizes
late
in
life
that
if
when
he
was
a
boy
he
had
known
what
he
knows
now,
instead
of
being
what
he
is
he
might
be
what
he
won't;
but
how
few
boys
stop
to
think
that
if
they
knew
what
they
don't
know
instead
of
being
what
they
will
be,
they
wouldn't
be?
These
are
awful
thoughts.
At
any
rate,
I've
been
gathering
hints
on
how
it
is
they
do
it.
One
thing
I'm
sure
about.
If
a
young
man
wants
to
make
a
million
dollars
he's
got
to
be
mighty
careful
about
his
diet
and
his
living.
This
may
seem
hard.
But
success
is
only
achieved
with
pains.
There
is
no
use
in
a
young
man
who
hopes
to
make
a
million
dollars
thinking
he's
entitled
to
get
up
at
7.30,
eat
force
and
poached
eggs,
drink
cold
water
at
lunch,
and
go
to
bed
at
10
p.m.
You
can't
do
it.
I've
seen
too
many
millionaires
for
that.
If
you
want
to
be
a
millionaire
you
mustn't
get
up
till
ten
in
the
morning.
They
never
do.
They
daren't.
It
would
be
as
much
as
their
business
is
worth
if
they
were
seen
on
the
street
at
half-past
nine.
And
the
old
idea
of
abstemiousness
is
all
wrong.
To
be
a
millionaire
you
need
champagne,
lots
of
it
and
all
the
time.
That
and
Scotch
whisky
and
soda:
you
have
to
sit
up
nearly
all
night
and
drink
buckets
of
it.
This
is
what
clears
the
brain
for
business
next
day.
I've
seen
some
of
these
men
with
their
brains
so
clear
in
the
morning,
that
their
faces
look
positively
boiled.
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