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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
213
At
lunch
time,
had
an
unpleasant
intermittency
period
in
my
heart's
action
and
this
rather
eclipsed
my
anxiety
over
a
probable
Zeppelin
Raid.
Went
home
to
my
rooms
by
'bus,
and
before
setting
off
to
catch
my
train
for
West
Wycombe
to
stay
for
the
week-end
at
a
Farm
with
E----
swallowed
two
teaspoonfuls
of
neat
brandy,
filled
my
flask,
and
took
a
taxi
to
Paddington.
At
3.50
started
to
walk
to
C----
H----
Farm
from
W.
Wycombe
Station,
where
E----
has
been
lodging
for
some
weeks
taking
a
rest
cure
after
a
serious
nervous
breakdown
thro'
overwork.
As
soon
as
I
stepped
out
of
the
train,
I
sniffed
the
fresh
air
and
soon
made
off
down
the
road,
happy
to
have
left
London
and
the
winter
and
the
war
far
behind.
The
first
man
of
whom
I
inquired
the
way
happened
to
have
been
working
at
the
Farm
only
a
few
weeks
ago,
so
I
relied
implicitly
on
his
directions,
and
as
it
was
but
a
mile
and
a
half
decided
that
my
wobbly
heart
could
stand
the
strain.
I
set
out
with
a
good
deal
of
pleasurable
anticipation.
I
was
genuinely
looking
forward
to
seeing
E----,
altho'
in
the
past
few
weeks
our
relations
had
become
a
little
strained,
at
least
on
my
part,
mainly
because
of
her
little
scrappy
notes
to
me
scribbled
in
pencil,
undated,
and
dull!
Yet
I
could
do
with
a
volume
of
"Sonnets
from
the
Portuguese."
These
letters
chilled
me.
In
reply,
I
wrote
with
cold
steel
short,
lifeless
formal
notes,
for
I
felt
genuinely
aggrieved
that
she
should
care
so
little
how
she
wrote
to
me
or
how
she
expressed
her
love.
I
became
ironical
with
myself
over
the
prospect
of
marrying
a
girl
who
appeared
so
little
to
appreciate
my
education
and
mental
habits.
[What
a
popinjay!--1917.]
My
petty
spirit
grew
disenchanted,
out
of
love.
I
was
false
to
her
in
a
hundred
inconsiderable
little
ways
and
even
deliberately
planned
the
breaking
off
of
the
engagement
some
months
hence
when
she
should
be
restored
to
normal
health.
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