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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
229
Spent
the
afternoon
at
the
Royal
Army
Medical
College
in
consultation
with
the
Professor
of
Hygiene.
Amid
all
the
paraphernalia
of
research,
even
when
discussing
a
serious
problem
with
a
serious
Major,
I
could
not
take
myself
seriously.
I
am
incurably
trivial
and
always
feel
myself
an
irresponsible
youth,
wondering
and
futile,
among
owlish
grown-ups.
At
4
p.m.
departed
and
went
down
on
Vauxhall
Bridge
and
watched
a
flour-barge
being
unloaded
before
returning
to
the
Museum.
I
could
readily
hang
on
behind
a
cart,
stare
at
an
accident,
pull
a
face
at
a
policeman
and
then
run
away.
June
20.
...
It
annoys
me
to
find
the
laissez-faire
attitude
of
our
relatives.
Not
one
with
a
remonstrance
for
us
and
yet
all
the
omens
are
against
our
marriage.
In
the
state
of
my
nervous
system
and
in
the
state
of
hers--we
have
both
had
serious
nervous
break-downs--how
impossible
it
seems!
Yet
they
say
all
the
old
conventional
things
to
us,
about
our
happiness
and
so
on!...
...
Am
I
a
moral
monster?
Surely
a
man
who
can
combine
such
calculating
callousness
with
really
generous
impulses
of
the
heart
is--what?
The
truth
is
I
think
I
am
in
love
with
her:
but
I
am
also
mightily
in
love
with
myself.
One
or
the
other
has
to
give.
June
25.
If
sometimes
you
saw
me
in
my
room
by
myself,
you
would
say
I
was
a
ridiculous
coxcomb.
For
I
walk
about,
look
out
of
the
window
then
at
the
mirror--turning
my
head
sideways
perhaps
so
as
to
see
it
in
profile.
Or
I
gaze
down
into
my
eyes--my
eyes
always
impress
me--and
wonder
what
effect
I
produce
on
others.
This,
I
believe,
is
not
so
much
vanity
as
curiosity.
I
know
I
am
not
prepossessing
in
appearance--my
nose
is
crooked
and
my
skin
is
blotched.
Yet
my
physique--because
it
is
mine--interests
me.
I
like
to
see
myself
walking
and
talking.
I
should
like
to
hold
myself
in
my
hand
in
front
of
me
like
a
Punchinello
and
carefully
examine
myself
at
my
leisure.
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