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Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
23
How
to
Live
to
be
200
Twenty
years
ago
I
knew
a
man
called
Jiggins,
who
had
the
Health
Habit.
He
used
to
take
a
cold
plunge
every
morning.
He
said
it
opened
his
pores.
After
it
he
took
a
hot
sponge.
He
said
it
closed
the
pores.
He
got
so
that
he
could
open
and
shut
his
pores
at
will.
Jiggins
used
to
stand
and
breathe
at
an
open
window
for
half
an
hour
before
dressing.
He
said
it
expanded
his
lungs.
He
might,
of
course,
have
had
it
done
in
a
shoe-store
with
a
boot
stretcher,
but
after
all
it
cost
him
nothing
this
way,
and
what
is
half
an
hour?
After
he
had
got
his
undershirt
on,
Jiggins
used
to
hitch
himself
up
like
a
dog
in
harness
and
do
Sandow
exercises.
He
did
them
forwards,
backwards,
and
hind-side
up.
He
could
have
got
a
job
as
a
dog
anywhere.
He
spent
all
his
time
at
this
kind
of
thing.
In
his
spare
time
at
the
office,
he
used
to
lie
on
his
stomach
on
the
floor
and
see
if
he
could
lift
himself
up
with
his
knuckles.
If
he
could,
then
he
tried
some
other
way
until
he
found
one
that
he
couldn't
do.
Then
he
would
spend
the
rest
of
his
lunch
hour
on
his
stomach,
perfectly
happy.
In
the
evenings
in
his
room
he
used
to
lift
iron
bars,
cannon-balls,
heave
dumb-bells,
and
haul
himself
up
to
the
ceiling
with
his
teeth.
You
could
hear
the
thumps
half
a
mile.
He
liked
it.
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