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1
349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
233
August
1.
Am
getting
married
at
----
Register
Office
on
September
15th.
It
is
impossible
to
set
down
here
all
the
labyrinthine
ambages
of
my
will
and
feelings
in
regard
to
this
event.
Such
incredible
vacillations,
doubts,
fears.
I
have
been
living
at
a
great
rate
below
surface
recently.
"If
you
enjoy
only
twelve
months'
happiness,"
the
Doctor
said
to
me,
"it
is
worth
while."
But
he
makes
a
recommendation....
At
his
suggestion
E----
went
to
see
him
and
from
his
own
mouth
learnt
all
the
truth
about
the
state
of
my
health,
to
prevent
possible
mutual
recriminations
in
the
future.[4]
To
marry
an
introspective
dyspeptic--what
a
prospect
for
her!...
I
exercise
my
microscopic
analysis
on
her
now
as
well
as
on
myself....
This
power
in
me
is
growing
daily
more
automatic
and
more
repugnant.
It
is
a
nasty
morbid
unhealthy
growth
that
I
want
to
hide
if
I
cannot
destroy.
It
amounts
to
being
able
at
will
to
switch
myself
in
and
out
of
all
my
most
cherished
emotions;
it
is
like
the
case
in
Sir
Michael
Foster's
Physiology
of
a
man
who,
by
pressing
a
tumour
in
his
neck
could
stop
or
at
any
rate
control
the
action
of
his
heart.
August
2.
Marker
Marker
Fine marker
White-out
Fine white-out
Circle
Paint
Unmarker
Hand
Scalpel
Dice
Sieve
Purify
Undo
Redo
Start over
