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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
24
July
18.
Have
had
toothache
for
a
week.
Too
much
of
a
coward
to
have
it
out.
Started
for
P----
early
in
the
morning
to
report
Mr.
Duke,
K.C.
After
a
week's
pain,
felt
a
little
dicky.
All
the
way
in
the
train
kept
hardening
myself
to
the
task
in
front
of
me
by
recollecting
the
example
of
Zola,
who
killed
pain
with
work.
So
all
day
to-day
I
have
endeavoured
to
act
as
if
I
had
no
pain--the
worst
of
all
pains--toothache.
By
the
time
I
got
home
I
was
rather
done
up,
but
the
pain
was
actually
less.
This
gave
me
a
furious
joy,
and,
after
days
of
morose
silence,
to-night
at
supper
I
made
them
all
laugh
by
bursting
out
violently
with,
"I
don't
know
whether
you
know
it
but
I've
had
a
horrible
day
to-day."
I
explained
at
length
and
received
the
healing
ointment
of
much
sympathy.
Went
to
bed
happy
with
tooth
still
aching.
I
fear
it
was
scarcely
playing
the
strict
Zolaesque
game
to
divulge
the
story
of
my
sufferings....
No,
I
am
not
a
martyr
or
a
saint.
Just
an
ordinary
devil
who's
having
a
rough
time.
August
17.
Prawning
Had
a
glorious
time
on
the
rocks
at
low
tide
prawning.
Caught
some
Five-Bearded
Rocklings
and
a
large
Cottus
bubalis.
The
sun
did
not
simply
shine
to-day--it
came
rushing
down
from
the
sky
in
a
cataract
and
flooded
the
sands
with
light.
Sitting
on
a
rock,
with
prawning
net
over
my
knees
I
looked
along
three
miles
of
flat
hard
and
yellow
sands.
The
sun
poured
down
on
them
so
heavily
that
it
seemed
to
raise
a
luminous
golden
yellow
dust
for
about
three
feet
high.
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