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Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
25
Then
cut
out
all
this
nonsense.
Cut
it
out.
Get
up
in
the
morning
at
a
sensible
hour.
The
time
to
get
up
is
when
you
have
to,
not
before.
If
your
office
opens
at
eleven,
get
up
at
ten-thirty.
Take
your
chance
on
ozone.
There
isn't
any
such
thing
anyway.
Or,
if
there
is,
you
can
buy
a
Thermos
bottle
full
for
five
cents,
and
put
it
on
a
shelf
in
your
cupboard.
If
your
work
begins
at
seven
in
the
morning,
get
up
at
ten
minutes
to,
but
don't
be
liar
enough
to
say
that
you
like
it.
It
isn't
exhilarating,
and
you
know
it.
Also,
drop
all
that
cold-bath
business.
You
never
did
it
when
you
were
a
boy.
Don't
be
a
fool
now.
If
you
must
take
a
bath
(you
don't
really
need
to),
take
it
warm.
The
pleasure
of
getting
out
of
a
cold
bed
and
creeping
into
a
hot
bath
beats
a
cold
plunge
to
death.
In
any
case,
stop
gassing
about
your
tub
and
your
"shower,"
as
if
you
were
the
only
man
who
ever
washed.
So
much
for
that
point.
Next,
take
the
question
of
germs
and
bacilli.
Don't
be
scared
of
them.
That's
all.
That's
the
whole
thing,
and
if
you
once
get
on
to
that
you
never
need
to
worry
again.
If
you
see
a
bacilli,
walk
right
up
to
it,
and
look
it
in
the
eye.
If
one
flies
into
your
room,
strike
at
it
with
your
hat
or
with
a
towel.
Hit
it
as
hard
as
you
can
between
the
neck
and
the
thorax.
It
will
soon
get
sick
of
that.
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