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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
251
I
then
returned
to
the
Museum
intending
to
find
out
what
----
----
was
in
Clifford
Allbutt's
System
of
Medicine.
I
wondered
whether
it
was
brain
or
heart;
and
the
very
thought
gave
me
palpitation.
I
hope
it
is
heart--something
short
and
sharp
rather
than
lingering.
But
I
believe
it
must
be
----
of
the
brain,
the
opposite
process
of
softening
occurring
in
old
age.
I
recall
M----'s
words
to
me
before
geting
married:
that
I
had
this
"nerve
weakness,"
but
I
was
more
likely
to
succumb
to
pneumonia
than
to
any
nervous
trouble,
and
that
only
12
months'
happiness
would
be
worth
while.
On
the
whole
I
am
amazed
at
the
calm
way
in
which
I
take
this
news.
I
was
a
fool
never
to
have
suspected
serious
nerve
trouble
before.
Does
dear
E----
know?
What
did
M----
tell
her
when
he
saw
her
before
our
marriage?
November
28.
As
soon
as
I
woke
up
in
this
clear,
country
air
this
morning,
I
thought:
----
----.
I
have
decided
never
to
find
out
what
it
is.
I
shall
find
out
in
good
time
by
the
course
of
events.
A
few
years
ago,
the
news
would
have
scared
me.
But
not
so
now.
It
only
interests
me.
I
have
been
happy,
merry,
and
quite
high-spirited
to-day.
December
5.
I
believe
it's
creeping
paralysis.
My
left
leg
goes
lame
after
a
short
walk.
Fortunately
E----
does
not
take
alarm.
December
17.
Spent
the
last
two
days,
both
of
us,
in
a
state
of
unrelieved
gloom.
The
clouds
never
lifted
for
a
moment--it's
awful.
I
scarcely
have
spoken
a
word....
And
eugenically,
what
kind
of
an
infant
would
even
a
Mark
Tapley
expect
of
a
father
with
a
medical
history
like
mine,
and
a
mother
with
a
nervous
system
like
hers?...
Could
anything
be
more
unfortunate?
And
the
War?
What
may
not
have
happened
by
this
time
next
year?
My
health
is
grotesque.
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