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Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
26
But
as
a
matter
of
fact,
a
bacilli
is
perfectly
quiet
and
harmless
if
you
are
not
afraid
of
it.
Speak
to
it.
Call
out
to
it
to
"lie
down."
It
will
understand.
I
had
a
bacilli
once,
called
Fido,
that
would
come
and
lie
at
my
feet
while
I
was
working.
I
never
knew
a
more
affectionate
companion,
and
when
it
was
run
over
by
an
automobile,
I
buried
it
in
the
garden
with
genuine
sorrow.
(I
admit
this
is
an
exaggeration.
I
don't
really
remember
its
name;
it
may
have
been
Robert.)
Understand
that
it
is
only
a
fad
of
modern
medicine
to
say
that
cholera
and
typhoid
and
diphtheria
are
caused
by
bacilli
and
germs;
nonsense.
Cholera
is
caused
by
a
frightful
pain
in
the
stomach,
and
diphtheria
is
caused
by
trying
to
cure
a
sore
throat.
Now
take
the
question
of
food.
Eat
what
you
want.
Eat
lots
of
it.
Yes,
eat
too
much
of
it.
Eat
till
you
can
just
stagger
across
the
room
with
it
and
prop
it
up
against
a
sofa
cushion.
Eat
everything
that
you
like
until
you
can't
eat
any
more.
The
only
test
is,
can
you
pay
for
it?
If
you
can't
pay
for
it,
don't
eat
it.
And
listen--don't
worry
as
to
whether
your
food
contains
starch,
or
albumen,
or
gluten,
or
nitrogen.
If
you
are
a
damn
fool
enough
to
want
these
things,
go
and
buy
them
and
eat
all
you
want
of
them.
Go
to
a
laundry
and
get
a
bag
of
starch,
and
eat
your
fill
of
it.
Eat
it,
and
take
a
good
long
drink
of
glue
after
it,
and
a
spoonful
of
Portland
cement.
That
will
gluten
you,
good
and
solid.
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