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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
26
"Aren't
you
losing
control
of
your
tongue?"
queried
the
Bibliomaniac,
looking
at
the
Idiot
in
wonderment.
"Don't
you
mean
that
he
says
he
wouldn't
know
what
to
do
if
it
were
not
for
you?"
"No,
I
don't,"
said
the
Idiot.
"I
never
lose
control
of
my
tongue.
I
meant
exactly
what
I
said.
Mr.
Barlow
told
me,
in
so
many
words,
that
if
it
were
not
for
me
he
wouldn't
know
what
not
to
do.
He
calls
me
his
Back
Action
Patent
Reversible
Counsellor.
If
he
is
puzzled
over
an
intricate
point
he
sends
for
me
and
says:
'Such
and
such
a
thing
being
the
case,
Mr.
Idiot,
what
would
you
do?
Don't
think
about
it,
but
tell
me
on
impulse.
Your
thoughtless
opinions
are
worth
more
to
me
than
I
can
tell
you.'
So
I
tell
him
on
impulse
just
what
I
should
do,
whereupon
he
does
the
other
thing,
and
comes
out
ahead
in
nine
cases
out
of
ten."
"And
you
confess
it,
eh?"
said
the
Doctor,
with
a
curve
on
his
lip.
"I
certainly
do,"
said
the
Idiot.
"The
world
must
take
me
for
what
I
am.
I'm
not
going
to
be
one
thing
for
myself,
and
build
up
a
fictitious
Idiot
for
the
world.
The
world
calls
you
men
of
pretence
conceited,
whereas,
by
pretending
to
be
something
that
you
are
not,
you
give
to
the
world
what
I
should
call
convincing
evidence
that
you
are
not
at
all
conceited,
but
rather
somewhat
ashamed
of
what
you
know
yourselves
to
be.
Now,
I
rather
believe
in
conceit--real
honest
pride
in
yourself
as
you
know
yourself
to
be.
I
am
an
Idiot,
and
it
is
my
ambition
to
be
a
perfect
Idiot.
If
I
had
been
born
a
jackass,
I
should
have
endeavored
to
be
a
perfect
jackass."
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