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Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
27
If
you
like
nitrogen,
go
and
get
a
druggist
to
give
you
a
canful
of
it
at
the
soda
counter,
and
let
you
sip
it
with
a
straw.
Only
don't
think
that
you
can
mix
all
these
things
up
with
your
food.
There
isn't
any
nitrogen
or
phosphorus
or
albumen
in
ordinary
things
to
eat.
In
any
decent
household
all
that
sort
of
stuff
is
washed
out
in
the
kitchen
sink
before
the
food
is
put
on
the
table.
And
just
one
word
about
fresh
air
and
exercise.
Don't
bother
with
either
of
them.
Get
your
room
full
of
good
air,
then
shut
up
the
windows
and
keep
it.
It
will
keep
for
years.
Anyway,
don't
keep
using
your
lungs
all
the
time.
Let
them
rest.
As
for
exercise,
if
you
have
to
take
it,
take
it
and
put
up
with
it.
But
as
long
as
you
have
the
price
of
a
hack
and
can
hire
other
people
to
play
baseball
for
you
and
run
races
and
do
gymnastics
when
you
sit
in
the
shade
and
smoke
and
watch
them--great
heavens,
what
more
do
you
want?
How
to
Avoid
Getting
Married
Some
years
ago,
when
I
was
the
Editor
of
a
Correspondence
Column,
I
used
to
receive
heart-broken
letters
from
young
men
asking
for
advice
and
sympathy.
They
found
themselves
the
object
of
marked
attentions
from
girls
which
they
scarcely
knew
how
to
deal
with.
They
did
not
wish
to
give
pain
or
to
seem
indifferent
to
a
love
which
they
felt
was
as
ardent
as
it
was
disinterested,
and
yet
they
felt
that
they
could
not
bestow
their
hands
where
their
hearts
had
not
spoken.
They
wrote
to
me
fully
and
frankly,
and
as
one
soul
might
write
to
another
for
relief.
I
accepted
their
confidences
as
under
the
pledge
of
a
secrecy,
never
divulging
their
disclosures
beyond
the
circulation
of
my
newspapers,
or
giving
any
hint
of
their
identity
other
than
printing
their
names
and
addresses
and
their
letters
in
full.
But
I
may
perhaps
without
dishonour
reproduce
one
of
these
letters,
and
my
answer
to
it,
inasmuch
as
the
date
is
now
months
ago,
and
the
softening
hand
of
Time
has
woven
its
roses--how
shall
I
put
it?--the
mellow
haze
of
reminiscences
has--what
I
mean
is
that
the
young
man
has
gone
back
to
work
and
is
all
right
again.
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