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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
276
There
are
moments
when
I
have
awful
misgivings:
Is
this
blessed
Journal
worth
while?
I
really
don't
know,
and
that's
the
harassing
fact
of
the
matter.
If
only
I
were
sure
of
myself,
if
only
I
were
capable
of
an
impartial
view!
But
I
am
too
fond
of
myself
to
be
able
to
see
myself
objectively.
I
wish
I
knew
for
certain
what
I
am
and
how
much
I
am
worth.
There
are
such
possibilities
about
the
situation;
it
may
turn
out
tremendously,
or
else
explode
in
a
soap
bubble.
It
is
the
torture
of
Tantalus
to
be
so
uncertain.
I
should
be
relieved
to
know
even
the
worst.
I
would
almost
gladly
burn
my
MSS.
in
the
pleasure
of
having
my
curiosity
satisfied.
I
go
from
the
nadir
of
disappointment
to
the
zenith
of
hope
and
back
several
times
a
week,
and
all
the
time
I
am
additionally
harassed
by
the
perfect
consciousness
that
it
is
all
petty
and
pusillanimous
to
desire
to
be
known
and
appreciated,
that
my
ambition
is
a
morbid
diathesis
of
the
mind.
I
am
not
such
a
fool
either
as
not
to
see
that
there
is
but
little
satisfaction
in
posthumous
fame,
and
I
am
not
such
a
fool
as
not
to
realise
that
all
fame
is
fleeting,
and
that
the
whole
world
itself
is
passing
away.
I
smile
with
sardonic
amusement
when
I
reflect
how
the
War
has
changed
my
status.
Before
the
War
I
was
an
interesting
invalid.
Now
I
am
a
lucky
dog.
Then,
I
was
a
star
turn
in
tragedy;
now
I
am
drowned
and
ignored
in
an
overcrowded
chorus.
No
valetudinarian
was
ever
more
unpleasantly
jostled
out
of
his
self-compassion.
It
is
difficult
to
accustom
myself
to
the
new
role
all
at
once:
I
had
begun
to
lose
the
faculty
for
sympathising
in
others'
griefs.
It
is
hard
to
have
to
realise
that
in
all
this
slaughter,
my
own
superfluous
life
has
become
negligible
and
scarcely
anyone's
concern
but
my
own.
In
this
colossal
sauve-qui-peut
which
is
developing,
who
can
stay
to
consider
a
useless
mouth?
Am
I
not
a
comfortable
parasite?
And,
God
forgive
me,
an
Egotist
to
boot?
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