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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
282
(On
Sept.
29th,
on
the
Doctor's
advice
I
went
away
by
the
sea
alone,
my
nerves
being
all
unstrung.
For
an
account
of
the
miseries
of
this
journey,
see
Dec.
12th
infra).
October
3.
A
wire
to
say
Susan
arrived
2.15
p.m.
All
well.
October
5.
Home
again
with
my
darling.
She
is
the
most
wonderful
darling
woman.
Our
love
is
for
always.
The
Baby
is
a
monster.
October
23.
The
fact
that
I
can't
write,
finally
bottles
me
up.[4]
Damn!
Damn!
Damn!
If
only
I
can
get
my
Essay
on
Journal
Writers
done.
E----
goes
on
well.
I
have
a
thousand
things
to
say.
October
27.
Still
awaiting
a
reprieve.
I
hate
alarming
the
Doctor--he's
such
a
cheerful
man
so
I
conceal
my
symptoms,
quite
a
collection
by
now.
The
prospect
of
breaking
the
news
to
her
makes
me
miserable.
I
hide
away
as
much
as
possible
lest
she
should
see.
I
must
speak
when
she
is
well
again.
October
28.
Life
has
been
very
treacherous
to
me--this,
the
greatest
treachery
of
all.
But
I
don't
care.
I
exult
over
it.
Last
night
I
lay
awake
and
listened
to
the
wind
in
the
trees
and
was
full
of
exultation.
Now
I
can
only
talk,
but
nobody
to
talk
to.
Shall
hire
a
row
of
broomsticks.
More
and
more,
the
War
appears
to
me
a
tragic
hoax.
November
1.
E----
has
had
a
set-back
and
is
in
bed
again.
However
sclerotic
my
nerve
tissue,
I
feel
as
flaccid
as
a
jelly.
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