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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
285
E----
has
been
telling
me
some
of
her
emotions
during
and
after
her
fateful
visit
to
my
Doctor
just
before
our
marriage.
He
did
not
spare
her
and
even
estimated
the
length
of
my
life
after
I
had
once
taken
to
my
bed--about
12
months.
I
remember
his
consulting
room
so
well--all
its
furniture
and
the
photograph
of
Madam
Blavatsky
over
the
door,
and
I
picture
her
to
myself
sitting
opposite
to
him
in
a
sullen
silence
listening
to
the
whole
lugubrious
story.
Then
she
said
at
last:
"All
this
won't
make
any
difference
to
me."
She
went
home
to
her
mother
in
a
dream,
along
the
streets
I
have
followed
so
often.
I
can
follow
all
her
footsteps
in
imagination
and
keep
on
retracing
them.
It
hurts,
but
I
do
so
because
it
seems
to
make
her
some
amends
for
my
being
childishly
unconscious
at
the
time.
Poor
darling
woman--if
only
I
had
known!
My
instinct
was
right--I
felt
in
my
bones
it
was
wrong
to
marry,
yet
here
was
M----
urging
me
on.
"You
marry,"
her
mother
said
to
her,
"I'll
stand
by
you,"
which
was
right
royal
of
her.
There
followed
some
trying
months
of
married
life
with
this
white
hot
secret
in
her
bosom
as
a
barricade
to
perfect
intimacy;
me
she
saw
always
under
this
cloud
of
crude
disgusting
pathos
making
her
say
a
hundred
times
to
herself:
"He
doesn't
know;"
then
Zeppelin
raids
and
a
few
symptoms
began
to
grow
obvious,
until
what
before
she
had
to
take
on
trust
from
the
Doctor
came
diabolically
true
before
her
eyes.
Thank
God
that's
all
over
at
last.
I
know
her
now
for
all
she
is
worth--her
loyalty
and
devotion,
her
courage
and
strength.
If
only
I
had
something
to
give
her
in
return!
something
more
than
the
dregs
of
a
life
and
a
constitutional
pessimism.
I
greatly
desire
to
make
some
sacrifice,
but
I
am
so
poor
these
days,
so
very
much
a
pauper
on
her
charity,
there
is
no
sacrifice
I
can
make.
Even
my
life
would
scarcely
be
a
sacrifice
in
the
circumstances--it
is
hard
not
to
be
able
to
give
when
one
wants
to
give.
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