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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
287
November
27.
...
I
wish
I
could
die
of
heart
failure--and
at
once!
What
a
luxury
that
would
be
as
compared
with
my
present
prospect!
A
Tomtit
on
the
fence
this
morning
made
me
dissolve
in
tears:--self-pity
I
believe.
I
remember
Tomtits
in
----shire.
Put
on
a
gramophone
record
and--ugh!
but
I'm
too
sick
to
write.
November
28.
The
shock
I
gave
my
spinal
column
in
1915
up
in
the
Lakes
undoubtedly
re-awakened
activity
among
the
bacteria.
Luck
for
you!
I,
of
all
persons
to
concuss
my
spine!!
...
I
listen
to
the
kettle
singing,
I
look
at
the
pictures
in
the
fire,
read
a
bit,
ask
what
time
it
is,
see
the
Baby
"topped
and
tailed,"
yawn,
blow
my
nose,
put
on
a
gramophone
record--I
have
the
idea
of
passing
on
the
midnight
with
no
pain
to
the
tune
of
some
healing
ragtime.
November
29.
The
anniversary
of
our
engagement
day
two
years
ago.
How
mad
the
idea
of
marriage
seemed
to
me--and
my
instinct
was
right:
if
only
I
had
known!
Yet
she
says
she
does
not
regret
anything.
This
morning
I
turned
to
read
with
avidity
accounts
of
the
last
hours
of
Keats,
Gibbon,
Oscar
Wilde
and
Baudelaire.
I
gained
astonishing
comfort
out
of
this,
especially
in
the
last
...
who
died
of
G.P.I.
in
a
Brussels
Hospital.
E----
is
awfully
courageous
and,--as
usual
ready
to
do
everything
in
her
power.
How
can
I
ever
express
sufficient
gratitude
to
these
two
dear
women
(and
my
wife,
above
all)
for
casting
in
their
lot
knowingly
with
mine?
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