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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
3
In
this
diary
of
an
intensely
egotistical
young
naturalist,
tragically
caught
by
the
creeping
approach
of
death,
we
have
one
of
the
most
moving
records
of
the
youthful
aspects
of
our
universal
struggle.
We
begin
with
one
of
those
bright
schoolboys
that
most
of
us
like
to
fancy
we
once
were,
that
many
of
us
have
come
to
love
as
sons
or
nephews
or
younger
brothers,
and
this
youngster
is
attracted
by
natural
science,
by
the
employments
of
the
naturalist
and
by
the
thought
of
being
himself
some
day
a
naturalist.
From
the
very
beginning
we
find
in
this
diary
the
three
qualities,
from
the
narrowest
to
broadest.
"Observe
me,"
he
says
to
himself,
"I
am
observing
nature."
There
is
the
self-conscious,
self-centred
boy.
But
he
also
says
"I
am
observing
nature!"
And
at
moments
comes
the
clear
light.
He
forgets
himself
in
the
twilight
cave
with
the
bats
or
watching
the
starlings
in
the
evening
sky,
he
becomes
just
you
and
I
and
the
mind
of
mankind
gathering
knowledge.
And
the
diary,
as
the
keen
edge
of
untimely
fate
cuts
down
into
the
sensitive
tissue,
shows
us
presently,
after
outcries
and
sorrow
and
darkness
of
spirit,
the
habits
of
the
observer
rising
to
the
occasion.
Not
for
him,
he
realises,
are
the
long
life,
the
honours
of
science,
the
Croonian
lecture,
the
listening
Royal
Society,
one's
memory
embalmed
in
specific
or
generic
names,
the
sure
place
in
the
temple
of
fame,
that
once
filled
his
boyish
dreams.
But
here
is
something
close
at
hand
to
go
on
observing
manfully
to
the
end,
in
which
self
may
be
forgotten,
and
that
is
his
own
tormented
self,
with
desire
still
great
and
power
and
hope
receding.
"I
will
go
on
with
this
diary,"
I
read
between
the
lines.
"You
shall
have
at
least
one
specimen,
carefully
displayed
and
labelled.
Here
is
a
recorded
unhappiness.
When
you
talk
about
life
and
the
rewards
of
life
and
the
justice
of
life
and
its
penalties,
what
you
say
must
square
with
this."
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