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1
349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
319
March
6.
An
affectionate
letter
from
H----
that
warmed
the
cockles
of
my
heart--poor
frozen
molluscs.
A----
has
written
only
once
since
August.
March
7.
I
am,
I
suppose,
a
whey-faced,
lily-livered
creature
...
yet
even
an
infantry
subaltern
has
a
chance....
My
dear
friend
----
has
died
and
a
Memorial
Exhibition
of
his
pictures
is
being
held
at
the
Goupil
Gallery.
The
most
fascinating
man
I
ever
met.
I
was
attracted
by
him
almost
as
one
is
attracted
by
a
charming
woman:
by
little
ways,
by
laughing
eyes,
by
the
manner
of
speech.
And
now
he
is
dead,
of
a
lingering
and
painful
disease.
March
8.
Death
Have
been
reading
Sir
Oliver
Lodge's
Raymond.
I
do
not
deny
that
I
am
curious
about
the
next
world,
or
about
the
condition
of
death.
I
am
and
always
have
been.
In
my
early
youth,
I
reflected
continually
on
death
and
hated
it
bitterly.
But
now
that
my
end
is
near
and
certain,
I
consider
it
less
and
am
content
to
wait
and
see.
As,
for
all
practical
purposes,
I
have
done
with
life,
and
my
own
existence
is
often
a
burden
to
me
and
is
like
to
become
a
burden
also
to
others,
I
wish
I
possessed
the
wherewithal
to
end
it
at
my
will.
With
two
or
three
tabloids
in
my
waistcoat
pocket,
and
my
secret
locked
in
my
heart,
how
serenely
I
would
move
about
among
my
friends
and
fellows,
conscious
that
at
some
specially
selected
moment--at
midnight
or
high
noon--just
when
the
spirit
moved
me,
I
could
quietly
slip
out
to
sea
on
this
Great
Adventure.
It
would
be
well
to
be
able
to
control
this:
the
time,
the
place,
and
the
manner
of
one's
exit.
For
what
disturbs
me
in
particular
is
how
I
shall
conduct
myself;
I
am
afraid
lest
I
become
afraid,
it
is
a
fear
of
fear.
By
means
of
my
tabloids,
I
could
arrange
my
death
in
an
artistic
setting,
say
underneath
a
big
tree
on
a
summer's
day,
with
an
open
Homer
in
my
hand,
or
more
appropriately,
a
magnifying
glass
and
Miall
and
Denny's
Cockroach.
It
would
be
stage-managing
my
own
demise
and
surely
the
last
thing
in
self-conscious
elegance!
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