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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
32
"If,
like
the
railways,
you
could
issue
betterment
bonds
you
might
do
very
well,"
said
the
Doctor.
"I
think
ten
million
dollars
spent
in
bettering
you
might
bring
you
up
to
par."
"Or
a
consolidated
first-mortgage
bond,"
remarked
the
Bibliomaniac.
"Consolidate
the
Idiot
with
a
man
like
Chamberlain
or
the
German
Emperor,
and
issue
a
five-million-dollar
mortgage
on
the
result,
and
you
might
find
people
who'd
take
those
bonds
at
seventy-five."
"You
might
if
they
were
a
dollar
bond
printed
on
cartridge-paper,"
said
Mr.
Pedagog.
"Then
purchasers
could
paper
their
walls
with
them."
"Rail
on,"
said
the
Idiot.
"I
can
stand
it.
When
I
begin
paying
quarterly
dividends
at
a
ten-per-cent.
rate
you'll
wish
you
had
come
in."
"I
don't
know
about
that,"
said
Mr.
Pedagog.
"It
would
entirely
depend."
"On
what?"
queried
the
Idiot,
unwarily.
"On
whether
that
ten
per
cent.
was
declared
upon
your
own
estimate
of
your
value
or
upon
ours.
On
yours
it
would
be
fabulous;
on
ours--oh,
well,
what
is
the
use
of
saying
anything
more
about
it.
We
are
not
going
in
it,
and
that's
an
end
to
it."
"Well,
I'll
go
in
it
if
you
change
your
scheme,"
said
the
Doctor.
"If
instead
of
an
Idiot
Publishing
Company
you
will
try
to
float
yourself
as
a
Consolidated
Gas
Company
you
may
count
on
me
to
take
a
controlling
interest."
"I
will
submit
the
proposition
to
my
friends,"
said
the
Idiot,
calmly.
"It
would
be
something
to
turn
out
an
honest
gas
company,
which
I
should,
of
course,
try
to
be,
but
I
am
afraid
the
public
will
not
accept
it.
There
is
little
demand
for
laughing-gas,
and,
besides,
they
would
fear
to
intrust
you
with
a
controlling
interest
for
fear
that
you
might
blow
the
product
out
and
the
bills
up--coining
millions
by
mere
inflation.
They've
heard
of
you,
Doctor,
and
they
know
that
is
the
sort
of
thing
you'd
be
likely
to
do."
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