Lab
Library
Journal
Shop
Sign in
to keep
1
349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
33
March
6.
The
facts
are
undeniable:
Life
is
pain.
No
sophistry
can
win
me
over
to
any
other
view.
And
yet
years
ago
I
set
out
so
hopefully
and
healthfully--what
are
birds'
eggs
to
me
now?
My
ambition
is
enormous
but
vague.
I
am
too
distributed
in
my
abilities
ever
to
achieve
distinction.
March
22.
Had
a
letter
from
the
Keeper
of
Zoology
at
the
British
Museum,
advising
me
of
three
vacancies
in
his
Dept.,
and
asking
me
if
I
would
like
to
try,
etc....
So
that
Dr.
----'s
visit
to
me
bore
some
fruit.[1]
Spent
the
morning
day-dreaming....
Perhaps
this
is
the
flood
tide
at
last!
I
shall
work
like
a
drayhorse
to
pull
through
if
I
am
nominated....
I
await
developments
in
a
frightfully
turbulent
state
of
mind.
I
have
a
frantic
desire
to
control
the
factors
which
are
going
to
affect
my
future
so
permanently.
And
this
ferocious
desire,
of
course,
collides
with
a
crash
all
day
long
with
the
fact
that
however
much
I
desire
there
will
still
remain
the
unalterable
logic
of
events.
April
7.
...
How
delicious
all
this
seemed!
To
be
alive--thinking,
seeing,
enjoying,
walking,
eating--all
quite
apart
from
the
amount
of
money
in
your
purse
or
the
prospects
of
a
career.
I
revelled
in
the
sensuous
enjoyment
of
my
animal
existence.
June
2.
Up
to
now
my
life
has
been
one
of
great
internal
strife
and
struggle--the
struggle
with
a
great
ambition
and
a
weak
will--unequal
to
the
task
of
coping
with
it.
I
have
planned
on
too
big
a
scale,
perhaps.
I
have
put
too
great
a
strain
on
my
talents,
I
have
whipped
a
flagging
will,
I
have
been
for
ever
cogitating,
worrying,
devising
means
of
escape.
Meanwhile,
the
moments
have
gone
by
unheeded
and
unenjoyed.
Marker
Marker
Fine marker
White-out
Fine white-out
Circle
Paint
Unmarker
Hand
Scalpel
Dice
Sieve
Purify
Undo
Redo
Start over
