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1
349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
336
September
2.
But
am
I
dying?
I
have
no
presentiments--no
conviction--like
the
people
you
read
of
in
books.
Am
I,
after
all,
in
love?
"I
dote
yet
doubt;
suspect
yet
strongly
love."
It
is
all
a
matter
of
degree.
Beside
Abélard
and
Héloïse,
our
love
may
be
just
glassy
affection.
It
is
a
great
and
difficult
question
to
decide.
I
love
no
one
else
but
E----,
that,
at
least,
is
a
certainty,
and
I
have
never
loved
anyone
more.
September
3.
My
bedroom
is
on
the
ground
floor
as
I
cannot
mount
the
stairs.
But
the
other
day
when
they
were
all
out,
I
determined
to
clamber
upstairs
if
possible,
and
search
in
the
bedrooms
for
a
half
bottle
of
laudanum,
which
Mrs.
----
told
me
she
found
the
other
day
in
a
box--a
relic
of
the
time
when
----
had
to
take
it
to
relieve
pain.
I
got
off
the
bed
on
to
the
floor
and
crawled
around
on
hands
and
knees
to
the
door,
where
I
knelt
up
straight,
reached
the
handle
and
turned
it.
Then
I
crawled
across
the
hall
to
the
foot
of
the
stairs,
where
I
sat
down
on
the
bottom
step
and
rested.
It
is
a
short
flight
of
only
12
steps
and
I
soon
reached
the
top
by
sitting
down
on
each
and
raising
myself
up
to
the
next
one
with
my
hands.
Arrived
at
the
top,
I
quickly
decided
on
the
most
likely
room
to
search
first,
and
painfully
crawled
along
the
passage
and
thro'
the
bathroom
by
the
easiest
route
to
the
small
door--there
are
two.
The
handles
of
all
the
doors
in
the
house
are
fixed
some
way
up
above
the
middle,
so
that
only
by
kneeling
with
a
straight
back
could
I
reach
them
from
the
floor.
This
door
in
addition
was
at
the
top
of
a
high
but
narrow
step,
and
I
had
to
climb
on
to
this,
balance
myself
carefully,
and
then
carefully
pull
myself
up
towards
the
handle
by
means
of
a
towel
hung
on
the
handle.
After
three
attempts
I
reached
the
handle
and
found
the
door
locked
on
the
inside.
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