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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
337
I
collapsed
on
the
floor
and
could
have
cried.
I
lay
on
the
floor
of
the
bathroom
resting
with
head
on
my
arm,
then
set
my
teeth
and
crawled
around
the
passage
along
two
sides
of
a
square,
up
three
more
steps
to
the
other
door
which
I
opened
and
then
entered.
I
had
only
examined
two
drawers
containing
only
clothes,
when
a
key
turned
in
the
front
door
lock
and
E----
entered
with
----
and
gave
her
usual
whistle.
I
closed
the
drawers
and
crawled
out
of
the
room
in
time
to
hear
E----
say
in
a
startled
voice
to
her
mother:
"Who's
that
upstairs?"
I
whistled,
and
said
that
being
bored
I
had
come
up
to
see
the
cot:
which
passed
at
that
time
all
right.
Next
morning
my
darling
asked
me
why
I
went
upstairs.
I
did
not
answer,
and
I
think
she
knows.
September
4.
I
am
getting
ill
again,
and
can
scarcely
hold
the
pen.
So
good-bye
Journal--only
for
a
time
perhaps.
Have
read
this
blessed
old
Journal
out
to
E----.
It
required
some
courage,
and
I
boggled
at
one
or
two
bits
and
left
them
out.
September
5.
Leap-frog
Some
girls
up
the
road
spent
a
very
wet
Sunday
morning
playing
leap-frog
in
their
pyjamas
around
the
tennis
lawn.
It
makes
me
envious.
To
think
I
never
thought
of
doing
that!
and
now
it
is
too
late.
They
wore
purple
pyjamas
too.
I
once
hugged
myself
with
pride
for
undressing
in
a
cave
by
the
sea
and
bathing
in
the
pouring
rain,
but
that
seems
tame
in
comparison.
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