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1
349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
340
October
3.
I
am
grateful
to-day
for
some
happy
hours
plucked
triumphantly
from
under
the
very
nose
of
Fate,
and
spent
in
the
warm
sun
in
the
garden.
They
carried
me
out
at
12,
and
I
stayed
till
after
tea-time.
A
Lark
sang,
but
the
Swallows--dear
things--have
gone.
E----
picked
two
Primroses.
I
sat
by
some
Michaelmas
Daisies
and
watched
the
Bees,
Flies,
and
Butterflies.
October
6.
In
fits
of
maudlin
self-compassion
I
try
to
visualise
Belgium,
Armenia,
Serbia,
etc.,
and
usually
cure
myself
thereby.
October
12.
It
is
winter--no
autumn
this
year.
Of
an
evening
we
sit
by
the
fire
and
enjoy
the
beautiful
sweet-smelling
wood-smoke,
and
the
open
hearth
with
its
big
iron
bar
carrying
pot-hook
and
hanger.
E----
knits
warm
garments
for
the
Baby,
and
I
play
Chopin,
César-Franck
hymns,
Three
Blind
Mice
(with
variations)
on
a
mouth-organ,
called
"The
Angels'
Choir,"
and
made
in
Germany....
You
would
pity
me
would
you?
I
am
lonely,
penniless,
paralysed,
and
just
turned
twenty-eight.
But
I
snap
my
fingers
in
your
face
and
with
equal
arrogance
I
pity
you.
I
pity
you
your
smooth-running
good
luck
and
the
stagnant
serenity
of
your
mind.
I
prefer
my
own
torment.
I
am
dying,
but
you
are
already
a
corpse.
You
have
never
really
lived.
Your
body
has
never
been
flayed
into
tingling
life
by
hopeless
desire
to
love,
to
know,
to
act,
to
achieve.
I
do
not
envy
you
your
absorption
in
the
petty
cares
of
a
commonplace
existence.
Do
you
think
I
would
exchange
the
communion
with
my
own
heart
for
the
toy
balloons
of
your
silly
conversation?
Or
my
curiosity
for
your
flickering
interests?
Or
my
despair
for
your
comfortable
Hope?
Or
my
present
tawdry
life
for
yours
as
polished
and
neat
as
a
new
three-penny
bit?
I
would
not.
I
gather
my
mantle
around
me
and
I
solemnly
thank
God
that
I
am
not
as
some
other
men
are.
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