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Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
38
MEDICAL
CASES
Probably
no
article
of
apparel
is
so
liable
to
a
diseased
condition
as
the
trousers.
It
may
be
well,
therefore,
to
treat
first
those
maladies
to
which
they
are
subject.
I.
Contractio
Pantalunae,
or
Shortening
of
the
Legs
of
the
Trousers,
an
extremely
painful
malady
most
frequently
found
in
the
growing
youth.
The
first
symptom
is
the
appearance
of
a
yawning
space
(lacuna)
above
the
boots,
accompanied
by
an
acute
sense
of
humiliation
and
a
morbid
anticipation
of
mockery.
The
application
of
treacle
to
the
boots,
although
commonly
recommended,
may
rightly
be
condemned
as
too
drastic
a
remedy.
The
use
of
boots
reaching
to
the
knee,
to
be
removed
only
at
night,
will
afford
immediate
relief.
In
connection
with
Contractio
is
often
found--
II.
Inflatio
Genu,
or
Bagging
of
the
Knees
of
the
Trousers,
a
disease
whose
symptoms
are
similar
to
those
above.
The
patient
shows
an
aversion
to
the
standing
posture,
and,
in
acute
cases,
if
the
patient
be
compelled
to
stand,
the
head
is
bent
and
the
eye
fixed
with
painful
rigidity
upon
the
projecting
blade
formed
at
the
knee
of
the
trousers.
In
both
of
the
above
diseases
anything
that
can
be
done
to
free
the
mind
of
the
patient
from
a
morbid
sense
of
his
infirmity
will
do
much
to
improve
the
general
tone
of
the
system.
III.
Oases,
or
Patches,
are
liable
to
break
out
anywhere
on
the
trousers,
and
range
in
degree
of
gravity
from
those
of
a
trifling
nature
to
those
of
a
fatal
character.
The
most
distressing
cases
are
those
where
the
patch
assumes
a
different
colour
from
that
of
the
trousers
(dissimilitas
coloris).
In
this
instance
the
mind
of
the
patient
is
found
to
be
in
a
sadly
aberrated
condition.
A
speedy
improvement
may,
however,
be
effected
by
cheerful
society,
books,
flowers,
and,
above
all,
by
a
complete
change.
Marker
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