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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
4
"I
thank
you,"
returned
the
landlady,
somewhat
mollified
by
this
remark.
"If
I
had
more
time
I
should
occasionally
do
the
cooking
myself,
but,
as
it
is,
I
am
overwhelmed
with
work."
"I
can
bear
witness
to
that,"
observed
Mr.
Whitechoker.
"Mrs.
Smithers-Pedagog
is
one
of
the
most
useful
ladies
in
my
congregation.
If
it
were
not
for
her,
many
a
heathen
would
be
going
without
garments
to-day."
"Well,
I
don't
like
to
criticise,"
said
the
Idiot,
"but
I
think
the
heathen
at
home
should
be
considered
before
the
heathen
abroad.
If
your
congregation
would
have
a
guild
to
look
after
such
heathen
as
the
Poet
and
the
Doctor
and
myself,
I
am
convinced
it
would
be
more
appreciated
by
those
who
benefited
by
its
labors
than
it
is
at
present
by
the
barbarians
who
try
to
wear
the
misfits
it
sends
out.
A
Christian
whose
plain
but
honest
breakfast
is
well
cooked
is
apt
to
be
far
more
grateful
than
a
barbarian
who
is
wearing
a
pair
of
trousers
made
of
calico
and
a
coat
three
sizes
too
small
in
the
body
and
nine
sizes
too
large
in
the
arms.
I
will
go
further.
I
believe
that
if
the
domestic
heathen
were
cared
for
they
would
do
much
better
work,
would
earn
better
pay,
and
would,
out
of
mere
gratitude,
set
apart
a
sufficiently
large
portion
of
their
increased
earnings
to
be
devoted
to
the
purchase
of
tailor-made
costumes,
which
would
please
the
cannibals
better,
far
better,
than
the
amateur
creations
they
now
get.
I
know
I'd
contribute
some
of
my
surplus."
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