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Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
45
At
times,
of
course,
the
barber
prefers
to
test
his
customer
with
a
question
or
two.
He
gets
him
pinned
in
the
chair,
with
his
head
well
back,
covers
the
customer's
face
with
soap,
and
then
planting
his
knee
on
his
chest
and
holding
his
hand
firmly
across
the
customer's
mouth,
to
prevent
all
utterance
and
to
force
him
to
swallow
the
soap,
he
asks:
"Well,
what
did
you
think
of
the
Detroit-St.
Louis
game
yesterday?"
This
is
not
really
meant
for
a
question
at
all.
It
is
only
equivalent
to
saying:
"Now,
you
poor
fool,
I'll
bet
you
don't
know
anything
about
the
great
events
of
your
country
at
all."
There
is
a
gurgle
in
the
customer's
throat
as
if
he
were
trying
to
answer,
and
his
eyes
are
seen
to
move
sideways,
but
the
barber
merely
thrusts
the
soap-brush
into
each
eye,
and
if
any
motion
still
persists,
he
breathes
gin
and
peppermint
over
the
face,
till
all
sign
of
life
is
extinct.
Then
he
talks
the
game
over
in
detail
with
the
barber
at
the
next
chair,
each
leaning
across
an
inanimate
thing
extended
under
steaming
towels
that
was
once
a
man.
To
know
all
these
things
barbers
have
to
be
highly
educated.
It
is
true
that
some
of
the
greatest
barbers
that
have
ever
lived
have
begun
as
uneducated,
illiterate
men,
and
by
sheer
energy
and
indomitable
industry
have
forced
their
way
to
the
front.
But
these
are
exceptions.
To
succeed
nowadays
it
is
practically
necessary
to
be
a
college
graduate.
As
the
courses
at
Harvard
and
Yale
have
been
found
too
superficial,
there
are
now
established
regular
Barbers'
Colleges,
where
a
bright
young
man
can
learn
as
much
in
three
weeks
as
he
would
be
likely
to
know
after
three
years
at
Harvard.
The
courses
at
these
colleges
cover
such
things
as:
(1)
Physiology,
including
Hair
and
its
Destruction,
The
Origin
and
Growth
of
Whiskers,
Soap
in
its
Relation
to
Eyesight;
(2)
Chemistry,
including
lectures
on
Florida
Water;
and
How
to
Make
it
out
of
Sardine
Oil;
(3)
Practical
Anatomy,
including
The
Scalp
and
How
to
Lift
it,
The
Ears
and
How
to
Remove
them,
and,
as
the
Major
Course
for
advanced
students,
The
Veins
of
the
Face
and
how
to
open
and
close
them
at
will
by
the
use
of
alum.
Marker
Marker
Fine marker
White-out
Fine white-out
Circle
Paint
Unmarker
Hand
Scalpel
Dice
Sieve
Purify
Undo
Redo
Start over
