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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
45
"'Never
eat
pease
with
a
spoon;
Never
eat
pie
with
a
knife;
Never
put
salt
on
a
prune;
Never
throw
crumbs
at
your
wife.'"
They
tell
most
of
us
what
we
all
knew
before.
They
tell
us
not
to
wear
our
hats
in
the
house;
they
tell
us
all
the
obvious
things,
but
the
subtleties
of
how
to
get
into
society
they
do
not
tell
us.
The
comic
papers
give
us
some
idea
of
how
to
behave
in
society.
We
know
from
reading
the
funny
papers
that
a
really
swell
young
man
always
leans
against
a
mantel-piece
when
he
is
calling;
that
the
swell
girl
sits
on
a
comfortable
divan
with
her
feet
on
a
tiger-skin
rug,
and
they
converse
in
epigram.
Sometimes
the
epigram
is
positively
rude;
when
it
is
not
rude
it
is
so
dull
that
no
one
wonders
that
the
tiger's
head
on
the
rug
represents
the
tiger
as
yawning.
But,
while
this
is
instructive,
it
teaches
us
how
to
behave
on
special
occasions
only.
You
or
I
might
call
upon
a
young
woman
who
did
not
sit
on
a
divan,
who
had
no
tiger-skin
rug
to
put
her
feet
on,
and
whose
parlor
had
a
mantel-piece
against
which
we
could
not
lean
comfortably.
What
are
we
to
do
then?
As
far
as
they
go,
the
funny
papers
are
excellent,
but
they
don't
go
far
enough.
They
give
us
attractive
pictures
of
fashionable
dinners,
but
it
is
always
of
the
dinner
after
the
game
course.
Some
of
us
would
like
to
know
how
society
behaves
while
the
soup
is
being
served.
We
know
that
after
the
game
course
society
girls
reach
across
the
table
and
clink
wine-glasses
with
young
men,
but
we
do
not
know
what
they
do
before
they
get
to
the
clink
stage.
Nowhere
is
this
information
given.
Etiquette
books
are
silent
on
the
subject,
and
though
I
have
sought
everywhere
for
information,
I
do
not
know
to
this
day
how
many
salted
almonds
one
may
consume
at
dinner
without
embarrassing
one's
hostess.
Now,
if
I
can't
find
out,
the
million
can't
find
out.
Wherefore,
instead
of
shutting
themselves
selfishly
up
and,
by
so
doing,
forcing
society
finally
into
dissolution,
why
cannot
some
of
these
people
who
know
what
is
what
give
object-lessons
to
the
million;
educate
them
in
savoir-faire?
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