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Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
46
The
education
of
the
customer
is,
as
I
have
said,
the
chief
part
of
the
barber's
vocation.
But
it
must
be
remembered
that
the
incidental
function
of
removing
his
whiskers
in
order
to
mark
him
as
a
well-informed
man
is
also
of
importance,
and
demands
long
practice
and
great
natural
aptitude.
In
the
barbers'
shops
of
modern
cities
shaving
has
been
brought
to
a
high
degree
of
perfection.
A
good
barber
is
not
content
to
remove
the
whiskers
of
his
client
directly
and
immediately.
He
prefers
to
cook
him
first.
He
does
this
by
immersing
the
head
in
hot
water
and
covering
the
victim's
face
with
steaming
towels
until
he
has
him
boiled
to
a
nice
pink.
From
time
to
time
the
barber
removes
the
towels
and
looks
at
the
face
to
see
if
it
is
yet
boiled
pink
enough
for
his
satisfaction.
If
it
is
not,
he
replaces
the
towels
again
and
jams
them
down
firmly
with
his
hand
until
the
cooking
is
finished.
The
final
result,
however,
amply
justifies
this
trouble,
and
the
well-boiled
customer
only
needs
the
addition
of
a
few
vegetables
on
the
side
to
present
an
extremely
appetizing
appearance.
During
the
process
of
the
shave,
it
is
customary
for
the
barber
to
apply
the
particular
kind
of
mental
torture
known
as
the
third
degree.
This
is
done
by
terrorizing
the
patient
as
to
the
very
evident
and
proximate
loss
of
all
his
hair
and
whiskers,
which
the
barber
is
enabled
by
his
experience
to
foretell.
"Your
hair,"
he
says,
very
sadly
and
sympathetically,
"is
all
falling
out.
Better
let
me
give
you
a
shampoo?"
"No."
"Let
me
singe
your
hair
to
close
up
the
follicles?"
"No."
"Let
me
plug
up
the
ends
of
your
hair
with
sealing-wax,
it's
the
only
thing
that
will
save
it
for
you?"
"No."
"Let
me
rub
an
egg
on
your
scalp?"
"No."
"Let
me
squirt
a
lemon
on
your
eyebrows?"
"No."
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