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Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
47
The
barber
sees
that
he
is
dealing
with
a
man
of
determination,
and
he
warms
to
his
task.
He
bends
low
and
whispers
into
the
prostrate
ear:
"You've
got
a
good
many
grey
hairs
coming
in;
better
let
me
give
you
an
application
of
Hairocene,
only
cost
you
half
a
dollar?"
"No."
"Your
face,"
he
whispers
again,
with
a
soft,
caressing
voice,
"is
all
covered
with
wrinkles;
better
let
me
rub
some
of
this
Rejuvenator
into
the
face."
This
process
is
continued
until
one
of
two
things
happens.
Either
the
customer
is
obdurate,
and
staggers
to
his
feet
at
last
and
gropes
his
way
out
of
the
shop
with
the
knowledge
that
he
is
a
wrinkled,
prematurely
senile
man,
whose
wicked
life
is
stamped
upon
his
face,
and
whose
unstopped
hair-ends
and
failing
follicles
menace
him
with
the
certainty
of
complete
baldness
within
twenty-four
hours--or
else,
as
in
nearly
all
instances,
he
succumbs.
In
the
latter
case,
immediately
on
his
saying
"yes"
there
is
a
shout
of
exultation
from
the
barber,
a
roar
of
steaming
water,
and
within
a
moment
two
barbers
have
grabbed
him
by
the
feet
and
thrown
him
under
the
tap,
and,
in
spite
of
his
struggles,
are
giving
him
the
Hydro-magnetic
treatment.
When
he
emerges
from
their
hands,
he
steps
out
of
the
shop
looking
as
if
he
had
been
varnished.
But
even
the
application
of
the
Hydro-magnetic
and
the
Rejuvenator
do
not
by
any
means
exhaust
the
resources
of
the
up-to-date
barber.
He
prefers
to
perform
on
the
customer
a
whole
variety
of
subsidiary
services
not
directly
connected
with
shaving,
but
carried
on
during
the
process
of
the
shave.
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