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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
48
Later:
Youth
is
an
intoxication
without
wine,
some
one
says.
Life
is
an
intoxication.
The
only
sober
man
is
the
melancholiac,
who,
disenchanted,
looks
at
life,
sees
it
as
it
really
is,
and
cuts
his
throat.
If
this
be
so,
I
want
to
be
very
drunk.
The
great
thing
is
to
live,
to
clutch
at
our
existence
and
race
away
with
it
in
some
great
and
enthralling
pursuit.
Above
all,
I
must
beware
of
all
ultimate
questions--they
are
too
maddeningly
unanswerable--let
me
eschew
philosophy
and
burn
Omar.
In
this
week's
T.P.'s
Weekly
a
youth
advertises:--"Young
thinkers
interested
in
philosophy,
religion,
social
reform,
the
future
of
humanity,
and
all
freethought,
please
communicate
with
'Evolution,'
aged
21!"
All
right
for
21.
Later:
I
have
in
mind
some
work
on
the
vascular
system
of
larval
newts.
In
the
autumn
I
see
a
large
piece
of
work
to
be
done
in
animal
psychology--namely,
frequency
of
stimulus
and
its
relation
to
habit
formation.
Yet
the
doctor
advises
long
rest
and
the
office
work
remains
to
be
done.
I
must
hack
my
way
through
somehow.
I
sit
trying
to
disentangle
these
knots;
then
some
one
plays
a
dreamy
waltz
and
all
my
fine
edifices
of
the
will
vanish
in
mist.
Is
it
worth
while?
Why
not
float
with
the
tide?
But
I
soon
throw
off
these
temptations.
If
I
live,
I
shall
play
a
fine
game!
I
am
determined.
A
lame-dog
life
is
of
no
use.
April
17.
Railway
Travel
A
journey
in
a
railway
train
makes
me
sentimental.
If
I
enter
the
compartment
a
robust-minded,
cheerful
youth,
fresh
and
whistling
from
a
walk
by
the
sea,
yet,
as
soon
as
I
am
settled
down
in
one
corner
and
the
train
is
rattling
along
past
fields,
woods,
towns,
and
painted
stations,
I
find
myself
indulging
in
a
saccharine
sadness--very
toothsome
and
jolly.
I
pull
a
long
face
and
gaze
out
of
the
window
wistfully
and
look
sad.
But
I
am
really
happy--and
incredibly
sentimental.
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