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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
49
The
effect
is
produced,
I
suppose,
by
the
quickly
changing
panoramic
view
of
the
country,
and
as
I
see
everything
sliding
swiftly
by,
and
feel
myself
being
hurtled
forward
willy-nilly,
I
am
sub-conscious
of
the
flight
of
Time,
of
the
eternal
flux,
of
the
trajectory
of
my
own
life....
Timid
folk,
of
course,
want
some
Rock
of
Ages,
something
static.
They
want
life
a
mill
pond
rather
than
the
torrent
which
it
is,
a
homely
affair
of
teacups
and
tabby
cats
rather
than
a
dangerous
expedition.
April
22.
Who
will
rid
me
of
the
body
of
this
death?
My
body
is
chained
to
me--a
dead
weight.
It
is
my
warder.
I
can
do
nothing
without
first
consulting
it
and
seeking
its
permission.
I
jeer
at
its
grotesqueness.
I
chafe
at
the
thongs
it
binds
on
me.
On
this
bully
I
am
dependent
for
everything
the
world
can
give
me.
How
can
I
preserve
my
amour
propre
when
I
must
needs
be
for
ever
wheedling
and
cajoling
a
despot
with
delicate
meats
and
soft
couches?--I
who
am
proud,
ambitious,
and
full
of
energy!
In
the
end,
too,
I
know
it
intends
to
carry
me
off....
I
should
like
though
to
have
the
last
kick
and,
copying
De
Quincey,
arrange
to
hand
it
over
for
dissection
to
the
medical
men--out
of
revenge.
"Hope
thou
not
much;
fear
thou
not
at
all"--my
motto
of
late.
April
30.
I
can
well
imagine
looking
back
on
these
entries
later
on
and
blushing
at
the
pettiness
of
my
soul
herein
revealed....
Only
be
charitable,
kind
reader.
There
are
three
Johns,
and
I
am
much
mistaken
if
in
these
pages
there
will
not
be
found
something
of
the
John
known
to
himself,
and
an
inkling,
perhaps,
of
the
man
as
he
is
known
to
his
Creator.
As
a
timid
showman
afraid
that
unless
he
emphasises
the
feature
of
his
exhibit,
they
will
be
overlooked,
let
me,
hat
in
hand,
point
out
that
I
know
I
am
an
ass,
that
I
am
still
hoping
(in
spite
of
ill
health)
that
I
am
an
enthusiast.
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