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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
52
"You
ought
to
write
a
Manual
for
Beggars,"
said
the
Bibliomaniac.
"I
have
no
doubt
that
the
Idiot
Publishing
Company
would
publish
it."
"Yes,"
said
Mr.
Pedagog.
"A
sort
of
beggar's
Don't,
for
instance.
It
would
be
a
benefit
to
all
men,
as
well
as
a
boon
to
the
beggars.
That
mendicancy
is
a
profession
to-day
there
is
no
denying,
and
anything
which
could
make
of
it
a
polite
calling
would
be
of
inestimable
value."
"I
have
had
it
in
mind
for
some
time,"
said
the
Idiot,
blandly.
"I
intended
to
call
it
Mendicancy
Made
Easy,
or
the
Beggar's
Don't:
With
Two
Chapters
on
Etiquette
for
Tramps."
"The
chief
trouble
with
such
a
book
I
should
think,"
said
the
Poet,
"would
be
that
your
beggars
and
tramps
could
not
afford
to
buy
it."
"That
wouldn't
interfere
with
its
circulation,"
returned
the
Idiot.
"It's
a
poor
tramp
who
can't
steal.
Every
suburban
resident
in
creation
would
buy
a
copy
of
the
book
out
of
sheer
curiosity.
I'd
get
my
royalties
from
them;
the
tramps
could
get
the
books
by
helping
themselves
to
the
suburbanites'
copies
as
they
do
to
chickens,
fire-wood,
and
pies
put
out
to
cool.
As
for
the
beggars,
I'd
have
it
put
into
their
hands
by
the
people
they
beg
from.
When
a
man
comes
up
to
a
wayfarer,
for
instance,
and
says,
'Excuse
me,
sir,
but
could
you
spare
a
nickel
to
a
hungry
man?'
I'd
have
the
wayfarer
say,
'Excuse
me,
sir,
but
unfortunately
I
have
left
my
nickels
in
my
other
vest;
but
here
is
a
copy
of
the
Idiot's
Mendicancy
Made
Easy,
or
the
Beggar's
Don't.'"
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