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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
56
"And
you?"
suggested
the
Poet.
"I
shall
be
content.
Mere
gratitude
will
force
the
beggars
to
send
me
the
magazine
orders,
and
I'll
write
their
articles
and
be
glad
of
the
opportunity,
giving
them
ten
per
cent.
of
the
profits.
I
know
a
man
who
makes
fifty
dollars
a
year
at
magazine
work,
and
one
of
my
ambitions
is
to
rival
the
Banker-Poets
and
Dry
Goods
Essayists
by
achieving
fame
as
the
Boarding-house
Dickens."
VIII
Progressive
Waffles
"I
am
afraid,"
said
Mr.
Pedagog,
in
a
loud
whisper
to
the
Bibliomaniac,
"that
the
Idiot
isn't
feeling
well
this
morning.
He
has
eaten
three
fish-cakes
and
a
waffle
without
opening
his
mouth."
The
Idiot
looked
up,
and,
gazing
wearily
at
Mr.
Pedagog
for
a
moment,
shrugged
his
shoulders
and
ejaculated,
"Tutt!"
"He's
off,"
said
the
Bibliomaniac.
"Whenever
he
says
'Tutt!'
you
can
make
up
your
mind
that
his
vocabulary
is
about
to
be
loosed."
"If
my
vocabulary
were
as
warped
as
some
other
vocabularies
I
might
mention,"
said
the
Idiot,
helping
himself
to
another
waffle
modelled
after
the
six
of
hearts,
"I'd
keep
it
in
a
cage.
A
man
who
observes
that
I
have
eaten
three
fish-cakes
and
a
waffle
without
opening
my
mouth
hasn't
a
very
good
command
of
language.
He
simply
states
as
a
fact
what
is
in
reality
an
impossibility,
granting
that
I
eat
with
my
mouth,
which
I
am
told
I
do."
"You
know
what
I
mean,"
retorted
Mr.
Pedagog,
impatiently.
"I
am
so
much
in
your
society
that
I
have
acquired
the
very
bad
habit
of
speaking
in
the
vernacular.
When
I
say
you
haven't
opened
your
mouth
I
do
not
refer
to
the
opening
you
make
for
the
receipt
of
waffles
and
fish-cakes,
but
for
those
massive
openings
which
you
require
for
your
exuberant
loquacity.
In
other
words,
I
mean
that
you
haven't
spoken
a
word
for
at
least
three
minutes,
which
is
naturally
an
indication
to
us
that
you
aren't
feeling
well.
You
and
talk
are
synonymous
as
far
as
we
are
concerned."
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