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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
58
"If
I
had
a
headache,"
said
Mrs.
Smithers-Pedagog,
without,
it
must
be
said,
in
any
way
desiring
to
stem
the
waffle
tide
which
was
slowly
but
surely
eating
into
the
profits
of
the
week--"if
I
had
a
headache
I
should
not
eat
so
many
waffles,
Mr.
Idiot."
"I
suppose
I
ought
not
to,"
replied
the
Idiot,
"but
I
can't
help
it,
ma'am.
Waffles
are
my
weakness.
Some
men
take
to
drink,
some
to
gaming;
I
seek
forgetfulness
of
woe
in
waffles.
Mr.
Whitechoker,
will
you
kindly
pass
me
that
steaming
ten
of
diamonds
that
is
wasting
its
warmth
upon
the
desert
air
before
you?"
Mr.
Whitechoker,
with
a
sigh
which
indicated
that
he
had
had
his
eye
on
the
ten
of
diamonds
himself,
did
as
he
was
requested.
"Many
thanks,"
said
the
Idiot,
transferring
the
waffle
to
his
plate.
"Let
me
see--that
is
how
many?"
"Five,"
said
Mr.
Pedagog.
"Eight,"
said
the
Bibliomaniac.
"Dear
me!"
ejaculated
the
Idiot.
"Why
can't
you
agree?
I
never
eat
less
than
twelve
waffles,
and
now
that
you
have
failed
to
keep
tab
I
shall
have
to
begin
all
over
again.
Mary,
bring
me
one
dozen
fresh
waffles
in
squads
of
four.
This
is
an
ideal
breakfast,
Mrs.
Smithers-Pedagog."
"I
am
glad
you
are
pleased,"
said
the
landlady,
graciously.
"My
one
aim
is
to
satisfy."
"You
are
a
better
shot
than
most
women,"
said
the
Idiot.
"I
wonder
why
it
is,"
he
added,
"that
waffles
are
so
generally
modelled
after
playing-cards,
and
also
why,
having
been
modelled
after
playing-cards,
there
is
not
a
full
pack?"
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