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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
58
September
14.
Dad
cannot
live
long.
Mother
bears
up
wonderfully
well.
Tried
to
do
some
examination
work
but
failed
utterly.
A----
is
watching
in
the
sick-room
with
Mother
who
will
not
leave.
8.30.
The
nurse
says
he
will
not
live
through
the
night.
8.45.
Telegraphed
for
A----
to
come.
11.00.
A----
came
downstairs
and
had
a
little
supper.
12.00.
Went
to
bed.
H----
and
the
others
lit
a
fire
and
we
have
all
sat
around
it
silent,
listening
to
its
murmur.
Every
one
felt
cold.
Dad
has
been
unconscious
for
over
an
hour.
1.45
a.m.
Heard
a
noise,
then
heard
Mother
coming
downstairs
past
my
bedroom
door
with
some
one--sobbing.
I
knew
it
must
be
all
over.
H----was
helping
her
down.
Waited
in
my
bedroom
in
the
dark
for
three
parts
of
an
hour,
when
H----
came
up,
opened
the
door
slowly
and
said,
"He's
gone,
old
man."
It
was
a
tremendous
relief
to
know
that
since
he
had
to
die
his
sufferings
and
cruel
plight
were
over.
Fell
asleep
from
sheer
exhaustion
and
slept
soundly.
September
18.
The
funeral.
It
is
not
death
but
the
dreadful
possibilities
of
life
which
are
so
depressing.[2]
September
21.
A
Day
in
Autumn
A
cool,
breezy
autumn
day.
The
beach
was
covered
with
patches
of
soapy
foam
that
shook
tremulously
in
the
wind--all
the
rocks
and
everything
were
drenched
with
water,
and
the
spray
came
off
the
breaking
waves
like
steam.
A
red
sun
went
lower
and
lower
and
the
shadows
cast
by
the
rocks
grew
very
long
and
grotesque.
Underneath
the
breaking
waves,
the
hollows
were
green
and
dark
like
sea
caverns.
Herring
gulls
played
about
in
the
air
balancing
themselves
as
they
faced
the
breeze,
then
sweeping
suddenly
around
and
downwards
with
the
wind
behind
them.
We
all
sat
down
on
the
rocks
and
were
very
quiet,
almost
monosyllabic.
We
pointed
out
a
passing
vessel
to
one
another
or
chucked
a
bit
of
shingle
into
the
sea.
You
would
have
said
we
were
bored.
Yet
deep
down
in
ourselves
we
were
astir
and
all
around
us
we
could
hear
the
rumours
of
divine
passage,
soft
and
mysterious
as
the
flight
of
birds
migrating
in
the
dark.
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